The Shadow of Haruhi Suzumiya
by sarsparilla
Summary: The appearance of the anti-SOS brigade triggers a series of events that take Kyon by surprise as he finds himself ill prepared for his most heartrending ordeal ever. Contains some motifs that are darker than the original series.
1. Sasaki

_Disclaimer: The characters of the Haruhi Suzumiya series are created by Tanigawa Nagaru. This fan fiction starts from the middle of book #9 (The Dissociation of Haruhi Suzumiya), shortly before the split into separate branches, and is congruent with branch alpha. Events described in books up to and including #9 are assumed to be known by the reader. The story consists of seven installments, followed by a short omake. You are kindly invited to figure out the resolution before Kyon does. The conclusion was written first so I'm not going to cheat and change the script in the middle of the story._

_It is very important to notice that in addition to a normal mystery story this work is an attempt at a serious treatise on a philosophical question raised by the original series. As such, it contains elements that are significantly darker than anything found in the books. This is particularly true for the first four chapters. I must point out that everything is still canon compatible in the sense that the story starts and ends at certain points of the original story without diverging permanently, and established rules of the Haruhi universe are strictly followed. Furthermore, I must also pre-emptively declare that the resolution will not be "Kyon wakes up and it was all a dream"._

* * *

**Prologue**

This is where you enter the story, and also where I exit.

As you can see, it is a sterile and rather bland hotel room and that is all there is to it. On the other side of the window sprawls a nameless city that might not even be real, for any particular definition of the word "real". Anyway, it doesn't really matter since I've lost the ability to tell the difference between dreams and reality, if there ever was one to begin with.

It is early morning in what might be the middle of August if this is the same place as it was yesterday, but of the year I don't have the slightest idea. It's a moment of calm before the sunrise and the weather is fair, stubbornly unwilling to pay due respect to the fact that this is the end of the world. End of _a_ world, in any case.

I can tell you how I ended up in here but I'm having trouble trying to decide where to start. Like Russian dolls that fit inside each other until you lose count on which one is the original, or a maze with walls that stealthily move behind your back, recent events have played with my sanity as if it was a pawn in a cruel game until it lost any relevance to the greater scheme of things and I found myself marooned in this godforsaken place. I'm only saying this because it is a fact, and not to garner your pity since I am beyond pity and salvation.

A start. Let me see ...

I am thinking of a galaxy. A swirling disc of billions of stars, planets and even stranger objects against a background of black velvet.

Although it cannot be seen directly we know that at the center of the Milky Way lies a supermassive black hole like an eldritch abomination in its lair. For untold aeons it has feasted on entire solar systems that were unfortunate enough to fall into its clutches until it gradually grew lazy, complacent in its unrivaled might that bends even space and time to its bidding. Although it may appear dormant to the undiscerning eye, any traveler foolish enough to wander too close will find out that escaping the omnivorous monster is as impossible as defying the laws of physics. And there it lies, totally indifferent to the transient joys and sorrows of tiny speckles of dust locked into a slow dance around it.

I bet that you expect me to make some remotely amusing remark on Haruhi next. Oh, I am sure that she would be absolutely thrilled about the idea of an entire galaxy orbiting around her, and the "bending of space and time" part might be up for grabs as well. However, I'm definitely drawing a line between that and words like "supermassive" or "eldritch abomination" and I don't think that I even have to explain why. Shame on anybody who thinks otherwise.

No, that was not at all the reason for why I decided to mention this obscure astronomical fact. I'm sure that Nagato could explain the issue more accurately and eloquently but please bear with me just a bit longer since this is rather pertinent to my current predicament and I am running out of time.

What I actually wanted to talk about is the _event horizon_. That is the point of no return beyond which even light will be sucked into the incomprehensible depths of the singularity.

The frightful thing about the event horizon is that it is completely inconspicuous for a black hole as big as the one in the center of the Milky Way. One might expect to find some kind of a cosmic maelstrom in a place where space and time are getting torn asunder but there is none to warn you in advance. Passing silently like a ship in the night, at one moment you have a future, opportunities, things to look forward to, and the next moment you have lost them all and you didn't even notice when it happened. You may still be going through the motions out of old habits but you are already dead to the world and the only path forward leads deeper into the abyss.

Or, at least that's what scientists say. When you think about it, it appears rather unlikely that anybody would actually have seen it and then returned to tell what it looks like.

However, that is where I am now. A twilight zone between life and death. I am wearing a formal attire which at least looks proper for a burial, sitting in this nondescript hotel room with bleak light creeping through the curtains to remind that somewhere outside there is a world that doesn't need me anymore, indeed, doesn't want to have me back. I would wish to say that the feeling is mutual but feelings escape me. I cannot even whip myself into a convincing bout of self-pity, not that it would help me in any way.

I've played my last card and the game is over. Did I win or lose? Even if I admitted that my side got ruthlessly beleaguered like a minor feudal lord under the wrath of the entire army of the _shogun_, the question sounds oddly inconsequential. Could I have avoided this by doing things in a different way? As I just told, the answer is no, at least past a certain point. Despite of the imminence and certainty of the end my mind is peculiarly calm and I have only one remaining question in mind.

When did it begin?

The first extraordinary thing that I can recall happened on Saturday. Now you must understand that when I say "Saturday" it means a particular Saturday in April of my second year of high school before the walls of reality were kicked down. It might have been just a few days ago when seen from my own perspective but I don't have any way to find out how the current time relates to the past as measured by an outside observer. Something like that is how the theory of relativity goes and I'll leave it to the scientists to figure out.

I was on my way to the first SOS field trip of the new school year. As per the brigade charter, the purpose of the outing was to find aliens, espers and time travelers and promptly enough, I walked into Sasaki, a middle school acquaintance of mine, and two of her new friends. As fate would have it one of them, Kuyou Suou, was revealed to be an interface of an alien faction rival to Nagato's. Considering that they openly admitted that the nameless time traveling bastard whom I had met previously was also associated with them, it doesn't require master level deduction skills to see that the other of Sasaki's new friends, Kyouko Tachibana who had earlier tried to kidnap Asahina-san, was an esper and thus a rival of Koizumi. I'm still not quite sure where Sasaki herself fits in that picture but I fear that her situation is not much better than mine. Hanging around in the presence of powers that are beyond comprehension is an inherently dangerous pastime as I have noticed too many times.

I would like to believe that all of it was just a coincidence. This was the second time I had met Sasaki after I had started at North High and Koizumi claimed that it had an adverse effect on Haruhi's mental state. What could I do, it wasn't as if I was actively trying to run into Sasaki. If anything it felt like she and her friends were the ones intent on crashing the party at the most unfortunate moment.

However, they left as soon as the other members of the SOS brigade arrived and the rest of the day including the field trip was completely ordinary and uneventful, exactly the way I like them.

Nothing of importance happened on Sunday either but in retrospect I cannot be so sure. I spent the whole day lounging around the house without meeting other brigade members or anybody else outside my family, completely oblivious to the impending doom. Could the transition have happened by then already? I'm trying to remember any apparent signs but if there were any they were too subtle for me to pick up.

On several occasions I have mentioned my desire to live a normal life, a commendable goal too often stymied by that whirlwind of a girl, Haruhi Suzumiya. However, considering what was going to happen the next day one could indeed say that my life back then was as close to normal as anyone could wish. I should have made a better effort at enjoying those final moments of calm but such is the human nature that we don't realize the value of ordinary things until they are taken away from us.

I read a couple of books and played games until it was time to go to bed.

And then came Monday morning.

* * *

**The Shadow of Haruhi Suzumiya**

The alarm clock went off, announcing that a new day was about to begin. After punching the clock I instinctively extended my hand to push Shamisen out of my way but the cat didn't seem to occupy its usual sleeping place on my pillow. That should probably have made me suspicious but at the moment I didn't have two thoughts about it. Cats come and go as they want and that is just as well.

I felt refreshed after spending a whole day unburdened by any pointless exercises and went downstairs to the dining room. My little sister was there already, as noisy and lively as usual, and the familiar routines of the breakfast soothed my mind and made me believe that this would be another enjoyable day, full of the fragrant atmosphere of late spring and completely devoid of any unpleasant surprises.

Nothing could have been further from the truth.

On a cursory glance it indeed looked like it was going to be a fine day. The air was already warm this early in the morning but there was hardly any breeze and I felt sweaty after climbing up the hill to North High. I arrived at class 2-5 and noticed that the seat behind mine was still vacant. Maybe Haruhi had again gone through the field trip locations a second time on her own to check whether we missed anything and was thus feeling tired this morning? That would probably also mean that she was in a bad mood after failing to find anything, as usual. If one wanted to find something extraordinary then we were always looking for it in all the wrong places, and that was on purpose, too. I think that if anybody ever coined a new word for the meaning "doing pointless things" then the entry in the dictionary should have the faces of the members of the SOS brigade printed next to it.

Well, I can't say that I really care how that girl spends her seemingly boundless energy as long as it happens on her own time.

I had just taken out my books when I sensed that somebody sat down on Haruhi's seat. I didn't have to turn and take a look to know that it wasn't Haruhi because I can recognize her walking style from miles away just by hearing it. Nobody else stomps their feet like a drill sergeant wanting to punish the ground on every step. The presence behind me felt much more reserved and polite. And then ...

"Good morning, Kyon!"

I could literally feel the hair at the back of my neck stand up. I knew that voice all too well and it had no right to be heard in this class, out of all possible places. I turned around so fast that my books dropped on the floor.

Sasaki! What are you doing here?

The girl to whom I spoke was momentarily taken aback by my sudden outburst but then she smiled and picked up the books for me.

"What do you mean by what I am doing here? This is a high school, so presumably I am here to study just like you are."

That was not what I meant. Why are you in this class, sitting on Haruhi's seat?

"Who is this Haruhi you are talking about? This was my seat when I left on Friday evening and therefore I fully expect it to still be my seat this morning as well."

No, that was simply not possible. A terrible feeling of deja vu back from last December was taking hold of my mind. It just couldn't happen twice like that.

I turned around again to confirm my deepest fears. Taniguchi! Tell me that the seat behind me belongs to Haruhi!

The insufferable idiot looked at me as if I was some tentacled deep sea creature that had just appeared out of nowhere. To his credit I must admit that I was quickly getting into an uncharacteristic frenzy, and for a very good reason if I may add.

"Haruhi who?" was everything that he managed to say.

Are you saying that you don't remember Haruhi Suzumiya? That Haruhi Suzumiya from your middle school?

"Huh, what do you know about my middle school classmates? Anyway, as far as I remember there wasn't anybody by that name in my school. Are you feeling all right?"

If this was a conspiracy then Taniguchi had suddenly acquired acting skills of Shakespearean levels. So it had to be true, somebody had messed with the reality again and done an even more thorough job than the last time, going as far as rewriting the memories of a person like Taniguchi all the way back to the middle school.

Sasaki craned her head into my field of vision and gave me a wry smile.

"Kyon! Is there something that I don't know?"

Her voice was full of mock jealousy as if she was teasing me. Before I had a chance to reply Okabe-_sensei_ arrived to start the day.

Needless to say, I couldn't concentrate on the topic of the lesson. My mind was ricocheting between possible explanations. I was already certain that if I asked to see the class roster I wouldn't find Haruhi's name on it. If anything, the harrowing experience from last December had prepared me for something like this and I felt more angry than desperate. Who was behind it this time? Although to the uninitiated eye Haruhi would appear to be the primary suspect, it didn't make any sense that she would replace herself with Sasaki. No, I couldn't see that happening.

As I had witnessed on several occasions, data entities had the power to alter reality as well. Was one of the factions behind Nagato responsible for this? I fervently hoped to find Nagato soon enough to ask her about it but if their past actions were anything to go by then it didn't appear to be very likely either. Besides, if it was them then shouldn't the girl sitting behind me be Asakura again? That was a train of thought that I didn't even want to contemplate.

The unknown factor was this new entity that Nagato called the Macrospatial Quantum Cosmic Existence. This weekend it had finally manifested itself in the form of a humanoid interface that went by the name Kuyou Suou. Or possibly Suou Kuyou. The interface was so crude compared to Nagato that it was almost unintelligible. It was likely that they had already trapped the whole SOS brigade once into an alternate reality during that Snow Mountain incident so this kind of a trick would be right up their alley. What was it that they were trying to accomplish by putting Sasaki in the same class with me?

When the bell rang I bolted up and headed out of the class with a vigor that would have made even Haruhi take notice. That everybody in the class did exactly that did not really register on my radar at the moment. Please excuse me but I was not in a mood to show my most polite facade to this fake reality.

Koizumi's class was the one closest to mine and my hopes went up as I rushed through the corridor and saw the class sign. At least this time the whole class hadn't been spirited away. However, Koizumi himself wasn't anywhere to be seen. A quick chat with one of the students confirmed it - there wasn't anybody by that name in the class.

Things were looking bad but as I said, it wasn't the first time something like this had happened so I felt determined to see through all my options.

During the morning breaks I went systematically through all the classes with people that I knew to be related to Haruhi in one way or another but couldn't find any of them, not even Tsuruya or Kimidori-san. It was as if somebody had gone through the school with a giant eraser and carefully removed every trace of Haruhi's existence. Well, except for me, which didn't sound good if it meant that I was again about to bear the brunt of the attack.

My absence from the class during the breaks also allowed me to avoid confronting Sasaki until I could think things through. If she was associated with the alien faction that had done this then shouldn't I stay away from her at any cost? What if each member of the SOS brigade had been trapped into a separate false reality with only their antagonist counterpart in it so that the brigade couldn't co-operate to break out of the prison? What could I do in such a case, try to convince Sasaki to switch sides? Did she even know anything about this?

And then came lunch break and the time to check my last trump card. I run all the way to the old shack and stopped in front of the door that was by now almost as familiar as the one of my own room, except that this time it wasn't. The sign by the door read "Photography club". Could I have made a mistake? There was only one way to make sure so I opened the door.

It was the SOS club room but there weren't any familiar items left other than the old table and chairs. There were photos pinned on the walls and some miscellaneous equipment that looked like leftovers from a bygone era. Most importantly, there weren't any books left. Even more than her evident absence, the lack of books convinced me that I wouldn't find Nagato here no matter how many times I checked. I went through the items in the suddenly inhospitable room but couldn't find anything that looked like a message from her. A sound defeat.

For the first time I felt my determination starting to falter. I had checked my locker, I had checked the club room, I had checked all the classes I could think of. What should I do next?

Well, it was kind of obvious if you think about it for a second. In this puzzle, which piece didn't belong to the set? There had to be some clue if you looked closely enough.

On the next break, instead of leaving the class as fast as I could I took a deep breath and waited for the clatter of chairs to die down before turning around to face that extraneous factor. There were things we had to discuss through.

Sasaki appeared to be rather amused.

"So, you're done with running around like a rabbit? Was that some game I haven't heard about?"

If this was indeed a game then I would really like to learn which kind of a game your new friends are playing.

"My new friends?"

Yes, those that you introduced to me when we met the last time.

"On Friday? What are you talking about? I don't remember introducing anybody to you."

No, that was on Saturday when we met by the station.

"Are you trying to pull my leg, Kyon? We most definitely did not meet each other on Saturday because I was helping my mother with house chores and never went anywhere near the station."

And the names Kyouko Tachibana and Kuyou Suou don't mean anything to you?

"Another girl whose name I haven't heard before and what was that last one, some foreign transfer student? What are you into, Kyon? I'm starting to feel intrigued about this!"

How well did I know Sasaki? Well enough to know that the incredulous smile on her face was genuine. She was thus just another pawn in this evil game which meant that it might be possible to get her on our side.

Where should I start? There's something extraordinary going on but I am not quite sure what it is and who's behind it, and I don't know if I want to explain it all here in the class.

"Then it can probably wait until the end of the day? You can do all the explaining that you want while we walk down to your house."

My house?

"Did you forget that there will be a math quiz tomorrow or doesn't your family like to have me visiting them any more so that we could study together?"

We have such an arrangement?

"I'm worried about you, Kyon. Are you sure that you haven't hit your head or something if you act weird, have delusions and can't remember ordinary things?"

This was worse than I had thought. So far I had only concentrated on what was missing from my own perspective but now I realized that the change hadn't just removed some things from the reality, it had added others that I should be aware of but I wasn't. The immediate future had just become a minefield through which I would have to navigate to the best of my ability. The last thing that I wanted was to heedlessly run into a knife-wielding Asakura or whatever murderous entity planted here with the express purpose to kill me.

So, not only was Sasaki at the same high school as me in this reality, we were also studying together to the extent that she would come and visit our house before exams. Was there something else I should know about it? Finding that out would have to wait until I had had a chance to explain the situation.

Well, it indeed looks like I have a lot of explaining to do ...

"It's a deal, then. I can hardly wait to hear what it is!"

Sasaki gave me a bright smile. It was a good thing that she had always been willing to consider any idea, no matter how extraordinary. Now the only thing left was to grasp at the few leftover straws that I had neglected until now. I went to speak with Taniguchi and Kunikida. They had been helping the SOS brigade on occasion so if they were still here it meant that they hadn't been considered important enough to be completely removed. Maybe there was still something that the perpetrator had neglected.

"Have you been bitten by a bug and caught a brain fever? Don't come too close to me, it may be contagious!"

Taniguchi put up a mock act with exaggerated gestures. I couldn't find it funny in this situation.

"I must say that I found it peculiar as well. Is there something wrong?"

Kunikida looked like his normal self but without doubt his memories had been changed as well.

Well, something is indeed wrong but I'm not sure what it is this time. Are you both sure that you have never heard about Haruhi Suzumiya?

"That name doesn't remind me of anybody. How is she related to this?"

What about the SOS brigade, then?

"Is that some army stuff? You are indeed saying and doing weird things today, Kyon. Isn't it a good thing then that she doesn't mind, eh?"

Kunikida nodded in Sasaki's general direction. What are you trying to say?

"Nothing at all. Everybody knows how well you two work together, all the way from the middle school."

"I wouldn't mind finding such an understanding girl either, although to be honest she's a bit too weird to my tastes. No offense meant, Kyon. Actually, I would settle for any grade A girl who was understanding enough to accept a guy as handsome as me!"

Regardless of which reality it was it looked like Taniguchi couldn't concentrate on anything else than girls.

Well, if that is the way it is, then there's nothing that I can say about it at the moment. I'll let you know if I decide to come to my senses later on.

So, it was a futile attempt after all but I hadn't had high expectations, either. Whoever was behind this had been really diligent in weaving the trap.

Eventually the day was over. If I had been asked about anything that was discussed at the class during the day I would have drawn a blank. The only thing in my mind was this fake reality and I wasn't still an inch closer to finding any means to getting out of it.

Sasaki joined me as I walked out of the classroom and politely waited until we got past the school gates.

"I'm bursting at seams with curiosity, Kyon. So what is it that has happened?"

Well, where should I start? Would you believe if I said that this reality didn't exist yesterday?

"Are you talking about Last Thursdayism? It's just an invented argument to refute a logical fallacy. There's nothing to be believed because it is impossible to disprove it and thus it's a completely pointless issue."

I know that I can't prove it to you but in any case that is what has happened.

I went on to give Sasaki a short description of the events that had happened in my reality since the end of the middle school, including the SOS brigade and its members, the alternate reality incident of last December and finally the appearance of opposing factions centered around Sasaki. As the story progressed her expression changed from a smile to astonishment to open incredulity. When I stopped she shook her head in disbelief.

"I can't believe a word of what you are saying because all of that is clearly impossible. It is like something ripped directly from a cheap fantasy novel! Are you _really_ serious about this?"

I've never been more serious.

"Well then, how do you know that your memories are real and those of everybody else are fake? Shouldn't it be the other way around? If everybody else agrees with each other but you don't, then isn't the simplest explanation that it is you whose memories are fake?"

This is the second time this has happened so unfortunately I'm familiar with it. Besides, I was there on Saturday and saw you.

"And I was with my mom on Saturday and didn't see you. I can't see why your memories would be more real than mine."

I just know it. That's the only way I can explain it.

"I hadn't realized that you are a solipsist!"

I am a what?

"A solipsist is a person who denies that anything outside his own mind is real."

I never claimed such a thing.

"But you did! If you say that you are the only person who can remember how the world actually looks like, and that this whole world as it is right now is just an illusion, then the only real thing in the world is your mind."

This is complicated. You should talk this through with Koizumi or Nagato. I'm sure that they would be able to give you a satisfactory explanation.

"And if you are a solipsist, then you are indirectly claiming that your mind is powerful enough to produce an entire world with all the things in it, including all the people, cultures, science and inventions, all the foreign languages, famous works of art and what have you."

That sounds like something Haruhi might do.

"Then why can't you find any of your friends from that other reality? Do they even exist in this one?"

I don't know. Maybe they are just somewhere else and can't remember that this is not the real world?

"Which leads us back to solipsism. Why were only _your_ memories left intact if those other people had such powers, especially that alien interface that sounded almost omnipotent according to your description?"

I don't have any answers to that. It's something that I'm trying to figure out.

"Anyway, did I get this right? If you find whatever it is that you are seeking, then everything reverts to the reality that you described and all this ... "

She made a sweeping gesture with her hand.

" ... never happened. We never walked down the street together. I wasn't even in the same high school as you. My whole life since the middle school vanishes in an instant, isn't that right?"

Well, if you put it that way ...

"Then why don't you rob a bank?"

What?

"Or take off your clothes and dance naked on the street? If it is not real, then you can do whatever you want and there won't be consequences to worry about."

Why should I do that? I don't have any urge to do such silly things!

"Well, then it would appear to be the case that you _do_ find this reality real enough to act conscientiously. Or at least it means that right now you want to walk with me to your house instead of trying to find a way to make me disappear. That makes me glad!"

She gave me a charming smile. I had to admit that she had a point. Why should she help me with something that from her own perspective was as good as the end of the world?

When we arrived at home, my little sister was excited to see that I had company.

"Yay! Sasaki-_oneechan_ is here. Can you do my homework with me again? Pretty please!"

Why are you calling her a big sister but never me your big brother?

"I guess that we could gather around the living room table again and do all the homework together. Would that be agreeable with you?"

I couldn't really care less about the homework on a normal day and this was even more pointless. Whatever. Then I remembered something that I should ask from my sister.

Have you seen Shamisen today?

"Shamisen? Do you play a shamisen?"

No, I mean Shami, our cat. My sister's eyes went wide open.

"Are we going to get a cat? I'd love to have a cat. Is it a surprise, Kyon? Tell me, tell me!"

Sorry, my bad. If we don't have a cat then I'm not going to produce one out of my back pocket.

"Mean Kyon is teasing me!"

Who was petty enough to make a _cat_ disappear? Could it have something to do with the data entities Nagato had transferred into Shami from those sick dogs? Maybe they were some kind of scouts for the hostile alien faction?

Well, there wasn't much I could do at the moment other than start studying with Sasaki and my little sister. I didn't have any idea where to go looking for clues so they might just as well appear while I was doing whatever I was supposed to do. That even made sense. If Nagato had left me a clue she would put it in a place I was bound to check sooner or later anyway.

To be quite honest, I wasn't feeling really desperate. I had survived dangerous excursions into alternate realities where the perpetrator wanted to kill me on the spot, and this latest incident looked positively benign in comparison, at least so far. My confidence in Nagato's ability to provide crucial clues for solving a problem was solid as a rock.

Nagato-san, I have seen that behind the slight frame you are powerful and imposing like a battleship among puny fishing boats. You are my ultimate line of defense!

Yes, it was just a matter of time until I would find her message and from there on I could somehow wing it like before. That is what I believed with all my heart and kept playing along in this phony show.

And then it got worse. Much worse.

We had just finished the math exercises and Sasaki was collecting her books when the doorbell rang. I must say that it is a very human ability to quickly adjust to abnormal things until they start to look completely normal. In a situation where nothing was as it should have been I still managed to find it surprising that somebody would come and visit us so late in the evening.

I happened to be the one closest to the front door. As I opened it the illusion that I was still at least nominally in control of the situation shattered like a _kakiemon_ vase dropped on the floor. My mind went blank as it tried to interpret the signals that my eyes were transmitting.

The girl standing under the porch light was wearing a stylish red vest over a white dress. It felt like time was slowing to a standstill and I was acutely aware of every little detail in the scene as if they were seen through a magnifying glass but the brain refused to believe their meaning. The darkening cityscape, moths circling around the lamp, intricate folds and ribbons on the dress of the girl standing in front of me, the warm smile on her lips, dark eyes twinkling as if entire galaxies were hiding inside them.

"Sorry for the disturbance. I just wanted to drop by and say hi."

Haruhi's voice was so jovial and unassuming that it sounded completely out of character. I tried to say something, anything, but the emergency rewiring effort inside my head was still proceeding at full force and I realized that I was just standing there with my mouth open like an idiot.

"Who is it?"

Sasaki appeared from behind my back and before I could react, she wrapped her arm around my waist and said something unforgivable.

"Oh, you must be Suzumiya-san. My boyfriend has been talking about you the whole day."

As long as I live I won't be able to forget the indescribable expression that froze on Haruhi's face on that moment and the fact that I was so pitifully unable to avert any of this fills me with shame. Please forgive me.

The world was suddenly overwhelmed by a gnashing noise that sounded like a giant glass cutter was drawn across the sky, severing it in the process. Or maybe that noise could only be heard inside my head because at the same time it was also dead silent.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

Thank you for reading this story. There are six more chapters left and it can only get more mysterious from here!

Out of all the characters in the series, Sasaki's personality is closest to my own which made it rather easy to write this part. Unfortunately, that's the last time we'll be seeing her in this story.

This chapter as a whole could be seen as an extended prologue with a rearrangement of many familiar elements from the original series but from here on we change course to uncharted waters. Stay tuned for a change of pace and ... gratuitous fan service? Talk about a mood whiplash! Also, when Kyon says that it gets worse you better believe him. It most definitely does.

A more extensive set of notes will be found at the end of the last chapter once we get there.


	2. Mikuru

And then I woke up, gasping for air. What the hell? That was the most screwed up nightmare I had ever had. It felt way too ... real.

However, right now it was completely dark and quiet and I was back in my bed. Just a nightmare, a precarious flashback. Good old doctors Freud and Jung could have had a field day with it but that didn't matter any more because it was over. What a relief! I took a deep breath and let my body relax ...

... and that was when I heard the soft snoring by my side.

If you wake up in the middle of the night and find out that there's an uninvited guest sharing your bed you have a very good reason to be upset. If that happens right after a vivid apocalyptic nightmare you cannot really be held responsible for any sudden and drastic actions, or at least this is what I think. I felt shivers going up my spine and groped wildly for the light switch. The bed lamp turned on and the nightmare came back with a vengeance.

A-asahina-san!

There wasn't mistaking it. The girl sleeping all curled up in my bed and making cute little noises like it was the most natural thing in the world was nobody else than Asahina-san. My flailing must have woken her up because she turned around and murmured.

"Mmm, what time is it? I feel sleepy."

It is said that what doesn't kill you outright will make you stronger and it applied to this situation because I had another moment of deja vu. Something similar had happened during that Snow Mountain incident when we were trapped inside a fake hotel by that alien entity. Somebody, or rather some_thing_ that looked like Asahina-san had approached me in the middle of the night when I was alone in my bed, but unlike the impostor I happened to know about a certain intimate detail of the real Asahina-san and was thus able to spot the fraud. I am not proud of myself for actually knowing it and it had already brought me more than enough trouble but I couldn't help trying to figure out what was going on. Were the aliens at it again?

I proceeded with trepidation, as if treading on eggshells. Um ... there's this star-shaped birthmark that you've got ...

She sat up and yawned, her eyes still closed.

"Funny Kyon, you want to see my birthmark again? Aww, okay."

Before I had a chance to prevent it, she pulled her loose nightshirt over the head.

True enough, the birthmark was just where it was supposed to be but I couldn't take a closer look at it to verify the shape because there was suddenly something else screaming for my attention. Say what you want but I'm just a normal boy with normal impulses. I couldn't help seeing them.

I slapped my hands over my eyes and turned around as fast as I could, my heart pounding like a jackhammer. I'm sorry, Asahina-san!

A moment of silence, and then ... a delicate touch on my shoulder. Supple arms wrapping around my body. I was being hugged from behind by Asahina-san! In that case, the soft pressure on my bare back had to be her ... !

No! Why was I being tortured like this? My body was on fire and making treacherous suggestions to the mind that was still reeling from the depraved sight. My entire consciousness was forcefully drawn to the tingling sensation against my skin that was Asahina-san. Her warmth was overwhelming the fortifications of my willpower like a sand castle crumples under the rising tide.

I don't know what would have happened in any other situation but I realized that Haruhi's icy stare was still drilling a hole into my mind and that was the only thing that gave me enough strength to break free from the smothering embrace. I bolted up and rushed out of the room, panting.

And stopped on my tracks in utter confusion. This was not my home. Instead of the corridor I had been expecting, I was standing in an unfamiliar living room. What was this place?

There was some noise coming from the room behind me and Asahina-san appeared at the doorway. To my immediate relief she was at least wearing her shirt again. She looked around, distressed to the verge of tears.

"Kyon? Where did you go? Did I do something bad?"

There was something odd in the way she kept standing hesitantly by the door, her eyes staring straight ahead while she turned her head from side to side as if trying to listen to something. It was rather dark in this room but shouldn't she still see that I was right there in front of her? Then, a dreadful realization dawned on me.

What had they done to my Asahina-san? Who would dare ... ?

Asahina-san? I'm right here.

"W-why ... ?"

I touched her hand and she clung to my arm as if she was drowning.

I'm sorry, Asahina-san. Something terrible has happened.

"What is it, Kyon? Why are you calling me with my family name?"

She was crying now. Somehow, it took me until that moment to add one and one and get two. A shared bed, Asahina-san baring herself voluntarily and hugging me, expecting me to use her given name ...

I took another look at the trembling girl in front of me. She was undeniably Asahina-san and now she was ... I mean, we were ... oh gods, what had I gotten into!

Asahina-san? You haven't done anything wrong, please don't cry! Ugh, all of this went wrong right from the start. Could we ... can we go back and try again from the point where I woke up?

I guided the sobbing Asahina-san back to the bed. Now that I had more time to look around I realized that it wasn't my room after all. For starters, it was an apartment building. So we weren't just sleeping together, we were _living_ together? I had suddenly been thrown into a completely unfamiliar and treacherous situation.

I found a chair and sat down opposite the stricken Asahina-san, took a deep breath and tried to concentrate. How could I manage this ...

Please listen closely, I have to tell you something that may sound ridiculous but it's the truth. You know who I am, right?

"What's this, Kyon? Of course I know who you are!"

And I know that you're Asahina Mikuru but unfortunately that's more or less everything I know with certainty about this world right now. Please forgive me if I say or do something odd, it's because we don't currently share the same memories. Now this is important. Where are you from?

"Um, what does it matter? I grew up in Tanabe before moving here to study if that's what you ask. We have been there together ..."

And you're not from the future?

"What do you mean, future? Nobody can be from the future."

I feared as much. This may be very hard to believe but until yesterday you were a time traveler from a distant future who was sent here on an important mission.

"Uhh ... what? That's impossible."

We were both members of the SOS brigade, and in addition to the two of us there was an alien interface that looked like a normal human, an esper who could move between sealed dimensions, and a girl who could unconsciously change reality.

"It can't be ... are you saying that you had some supernatural powers as well?"

No, I was ... I still am a completely ordinary human, though I have traveled in time with your help. But the thing is, we have been threatened by some hostile factions in the past and a couple of days ago we found out that they had joined forces. I know that they have at least an esper, an alien interface and a time traveler of their own and now they have launched an attack against us, changing the reality in such a way that we are probably all normal, powerless humans. To make it worse they have changed people's memories as well and therefore you can't remember anything about your life before the change.

"Changing reality, how's that even possible ... ?"

I'm not good at explaining it but I've seen it happen before. You called it a time quake and it's a rather frightening thing. We must find out who did it and undo the change.

She closed her eyes and fell silent for a moment.

"So incredible ... if it was anybody else I wouldn't listen to such nonsense but I believe it because of you. I can hear it from you voice that you're honest with me. Oh Kyon, what does this mean?"

Maybe there's something that you remember without knowing it, anything that could give us a clue. Tell me if these names sound familiar to you.

I went through everybody who was somehow involved with the SOS brigade, including Sasaki and her new "friends".

"I don't think that I've ever heard about any of those people ... is that important?"

If they don't mean anything to you then it's probably not that important. We must find something else.

But how could I find something if I didn't even know what I was looking for? This challenge appeared unsurmountable. As I tried to figure out my options an awkward silence filled the room, disturbed only by the ticking clock.

...

"Um. So we are not ... a couple in that reality you're talking about?"

We are friends. Just good friends. In fact it was you who said that we shouldn't be too close to each other because you're from the future and only here for a short while.

"Kyon-kun ... you frighten me. It feels as if you weren't the Kyon that I know."

She fidgeted with her hands, looking uncertain about what to do next.

"Can I see your face?"

See? I thought that you're ...

"Yes, I'm blind. I meant see as in see with my hands."

She extended her arms and swept her hands across my face, feature by feature. It tickled and felt oddly sensual but in a way that was different from the previous experience of her hugging me. Finally she ran her hand through my hair as if caressing it and then reluctantly pulled her hands back. Asahina-san sighed.

"You're my Kyon ... and yet, and yet it also feels like you aren't, as if you were Kyon's twin brother."

She cocked her head to the side and stroked her own cheek absent-mindedly for a while. It looked very adorable.

"What if, say, if there are actually two different worlds and somehow the two of you got mixed up so that you woke up here and my Kyon ended up in your world?"

I remember that Koizumi mentioned something about multiple worlds during the last incident. I guess that it wouldn't be impossible.

All of a sudden Asahina-san started to giggle nervously. What was so funny about it?

"I'm sorry but I just thought what might happen if my Kyon didn't notice the switch, saw your Mikuru and tried to give her a bear hug."

I'm sure that hilarity would ensue. I wouldn't be surprised to see an enraged girl dragging a baffled me from his collar all the way through dimensions into this room to reclaim a defective Kyon.

"So is that girl your girlfriend, then?"

Uh, no. Haruhi is just Haruhi.

"But I understand it now. When I hugged you and you freaked out, I thought that I did something wrong but it was just that you weren't expecting to get hugged ..."

She suddenly realized something and blushed furiously, shaking her head.

"Aww, my shirt, what did I do? I'm terribly sorry for confusing you!"

It was my own fault for asking about that birthmark. Please forgive me, I didn't stare!

Asahina-san lowered her head with a bashful look on her face and hesitated for a while before speaking in a meek voice.

"... I don't mind if it's Kyon-kun ..."

Right now Asahina-san looked so shy and embarrassed that she could certainly have passed for the real one. I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't the same Asahina-san who brewed me tea in the club room. Or was she? What is it that makes us who we are? It was certain that this Asahina-san had the same rare quality that makes you want to personally protect her from any harm, and that was what made this so hard.

I'm sorry. I'm not used to talking about these things.

"So ... you don't have a girlfriend?"

Well, I don't, as such.

"In that case ... would you mind pretending to be my boyfriend until you get back to your own world? I don't think that your other self would disapprove. Please?"

What should I do? Asahina-san looked so distraught and lost that I could practically feel how much she needed somebody to hug and console her ... no, how much she wanted _me_ to be able to hug and console her, and my body was aching to comply. What would happen if I just gave in to the temptation since it was clearly something that we both wanted? And what would happen after that ...

What should I do? This tension was tearing me to pieces! I couldn't keep watching her cute face and those soft and moist lips that were slightly ajar, and closed my eyes. That immediately calmed my raging emotions and I took a deep breath. I could think clearly as long as I kept my eyes closed.

I would be a bastard to leave this Asahina-san alone. Besides, I didn't know where to go or what to do. Whatever would happen, Asahina-san was the only link that I had to my own world right now and therefore I should stay close to her until I found a solution to this whole ordeal. In that case it didn't really matter what you called it, I would be acting as if I was her boyfriend, at least in public. And if the temptation became too strong, I could just close my eyes again.

Just pretend? No hugging? No kissing?

"Please call me Mikuru."

She gave me a faltering smile that had at least as much yearning as actual happiness in it.

"So, what do you have to do to get back to your own world?"

To be honest, at the moment I don't have any idea. There must be a clue somewhere. Maybe I should go back to the school and check the places once again?

"School? You mean college, right?"

No, what college? I mean North High, of course!

"You're still a high school student ..."

Asahina-san's mouth made a perfect circle before turning into a wide grin.

"Ha! I'm older than you now!"

Well, how old are you, then?

"That's not a question you should ask from a young lady!"

She gave me a mischievous smile. Now that she mentioned it, I realized that she was indeed older and more mature than the Asahina-san (small) I knew. If anything, she felt more like the adult Asahina-san (big) from the future. And if I wasn't a high school student any more in this reality, how much time had passed here? This posed some new and frightening questions that I quite frankly didn't even want to think about at that moment.

"Aww, now I'd really want to cuddle you, but of course I mustn't. This is so unfair. Maybe we could at least make some breakfast?"

That was actually a good idea since I realized that I was hungry. When was the last time I had eaten something? I found some clothes that were probably mine and went to the bathroom to put them on. Regardless of what my role was in this reality I wasn't mentally prepared to watch as Asahina-san changed hers. When I was finished, I found Asahina-san outside the bathroom, still in her nightshirt and a pile of clothes in her hand. I realized that I should have let her use the bathroom first.

I'm sorry for making you wait ... I'm not used to this.

"Never mind, now it's your turn to wait for me!"

I had a look around the living room while waiting for Asahina-san to get ready. The room was small and rather spartan in look, containing only a plain couch, a small table and a squat cabinet with a TV set on top. There was also a framed photo of me and Asahina-san somewhere on the countryside, a place that I didn't recognize. I was carrying her on my back and she pressed her head against my neck, eyes closed, clinging to me like an overgrown koala. It looked like we were having a good time. I couldn't take my eyes off the photo and something that Sasaki had said kept replaying in my mind. Indeed, what was real if I was the only one whose memories didn't agree with everybody else?

No, if I started to doubt myself now I would be betraying the SOS brigade and every single person from my own reality.

After a while Asahina-san opened the door, wearing a short-sleeved white shirt and a bright yellow skirt with flower ornaments on it. It felt like the room had suddenly been filled with sunlight despite it still being an early morning. She was definitely more mature than the Asahina-san (small) from the high school!

Uh, you look ... good.

"Why, thank you, I'm sure that you do, too!"

We went to the kitchen that was the last room in the apartment and even smaller than the living room. I didn't know where to find anything so I just let Asahina-san prepare the breakfast. Peculiarly, the cupboard was full of boxes of different shapes and sizes. Asahina-san selected a couple of them and picked out the ingredients she needed.

"When I was younger I used to be really clumsy with cooking but then I learned this system. As long as I remember to put everything back to their proper place I don't have any difficulties in finding what I need."

Well, that is rather neat.

"Mind you, when you started helping me in the kitchen you had this tendency to mess up my system. At some point I said that you were more trouble than help but then you apologized and made a serious effort at learning it. You've always been so sweet ..."

I could see that the boxes were scribbled all over with my own handwriting, describing what goes where. It looked like I had cheated just a little bit but what did it matter if Asahina-san was happy?

After a short while she gave me a freshly brewed cup of tea. I could almost shed a tear of gratitude while revering it like a precious treasure. In the middle of all this madness, I was holding a cup of hot tea made just for me by nobody else than Asahina-san herself and it felt like a tangible connection to my own reality. I could feel a renewed confidence welling inside me.

So, how long have you been blind?

"All my life. I've got Leber's amaurosis, it's a genetic defect. I can tell the difference between light and dark but that's all. It used to be incurable but right now doctors are developing a gene therapy treatment for it. What do you think, should I ask the Foundation if I can become a test subject?"

Which foundation?

"Oh right, you don't know about it. The Green Crane Foundation that supports the education and treatment of people with certain rare disabilities is located here. In fact this apartment belongs to them and we can live here very cheaply while I study ..."

Asahina-san suddenly stopped in mid-sentence, as if realizing something. What is it?

"One of those names that you mentioned ... I just remembered that I might have heard it before, after all. It was something related to the Foundation ... "

You don't mean Tsuruya-san?

"You're right, now I'm almost sure that there's somebody by that name there. Does it mean something?"

She's your closest friend, and a honorary associate of the SOS brigade. If she's here we must certainly try to meet her!

"It must be very hard to reach somebody at the top of the Foundation, especially at this time. And what should we say when they want to know the reason? If I claim that I have a visitor from another reality they'll think that I've gone crazy."

That was a good point. Did I know anything about Tsuruya that could get us through? There was something, wasn't there? During that Valentine's Day treasure hunt she had said something ...

A memory of an excited Tsuruya showing me photos of an ancient artifact found on their estate floated to my mind. What was that name again?

Asahina-san! I'm sorry ... Mikuru! Call them and say that I must talk about her great-great ancestor Tsuruya Yauemon from the Edo period who liked to play tricks!

"Uh, Yauemon from the Edo period ... ?"

She looked confused but went to make a call anyway. It was a gamble but one where the odds were most likely stacked in my favor. If the foundation was indeed owned by the Tsuruyas then they would know everything about their ancestors, and nobody could be bothered to change the history three hundred years in the past, now could they? It should certainly get Tsuruya's attention.

I could hear Asahina-san make the call and explain the issue to three different persons, with short pauses between each conversation. At some point her voice became excessively polite. When it was over, she came back to the kitchen with a stunned look on her face.

"I ... I can't believe it! I just talked with Tsuruya-sama herself! She asked me what you know about her ancestor and when I told that we can only talk about it in person she said that she'll send a driver to pick us up at two o'clock in the afternoon."

Why at that time?

"She's in Kyoto right now and won't be back until half past two. But Kyon, what _was_ it that you made me say?"

It was something that only a few persons know, and probably even fewer in this world. If I'm right, there's an alien artifact either in Tsuruya's possession or still buried away in a place that I happen to know. Since it was hidden three hundred years ago it's unlikely that the change would have made it disappear, and if we can find the artifact it proves that I'm not a madman. It might even be somehow related to this mystery.

"Incredible! It's true, we haven't gone crazy after all!"

Asahina-san started laughing from the sudden relief and I couldn't help doing the same. Before I knew how it happened, we were holding hands and when she noticed that she stopped laughing.

"You felt it too, didn't you? But we mustn't go further, that will only make it worse ..."

She was right. I realized that I had had an irresistible urge to grab Asahina-san in my arms and hug her, but that was just because I was so happy that I had finally found a link, wasn't it? Asahina-san was a person who completely naturally and innocently evoked a desire to hug her as if she were a big, soft plush toy, and that was the thing that kept distracting me.

We broke contact but the sensation of her warm hands was left lingering in mine.

I'm sorry ... this is hard.

...

"So, we've got free time until two o'clock. Should we go out and visit that school of yours?"

You're right, we should certainly go and have a look around the city! There's the school and a cafe by the station where we visit regularly, and of course we must check the library.

"Why the library?"

Nagato, that is, our alien, is quite the bookworm. If she's not at school then the library would be the most likely place to go looking for her. If we can find Nagato she might be able to solve the whole problem on her own. Oh right, we must visit her apartment as well, just in case she still lives there.

We finished the breakfast and I did my best to help Asahina-san with the cleaning. It was quite fortunate that there were written instructions for it so that I didn't have to cause unnecessary trouble for Asahina-san.

"What do you think, do we have to separate at some point? If so then I'll take my stick with me."

No, that won't be necessary. We're just taking a walk.

Well, at least that was what I was hoping for. A guy can dream, huh?

Now that I came to think about it, there was something deeply ironic in my current situation. Haruhi wasn't anywhere to be seen and instead of that I was spending my morning with a sweet girl who didn't hide the fact that she liked me very much. We were free to do whatever we wanted and what was it that we did? Went around the city looking for aliens, espers or time travelers, of course! Oh boy!

When we got out I noticed that it was unusually warm for an early morning. Had somebody messed with the weather as well?

"Isn't that completely normal for this time of the year? It's been like this the whole week."

Uh, which day is it?

"Saturday the 14th."

Of April?

"No, of July, of course!"

Now I'm afraid of even asking ... in which year?

She told me, and I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Over three years in the future? How could that be possible?

Right, Asahina-san had mentioned college. So there had been, not just one but two changes already, and the second one had apparently displaced me in time. Wouldn't it now be even harder to revert it all back? I didn't understand anything about time quakes or time travel in general, but I believed that there was hardly anything Nagato couldn't do. If only I could find her!

By the way, what was it that we were studying?

"I'm studying English and German. In two years' time I'll be a certified interpreter."

I hadn't even realized that Asahina-san had a knack for languages, but it made sense. If she had been blind for her entire life, she would have a natural inclination to listening more carefully. So, what was it that I was doing, then?

"You've said that you're most interested in history and archaeology."

Well, that was news to me.

"There was that costume party last month. I was queen Nefertari of Egypt and you were an adventuring archaeologist. You felt so manly in that leather jacket that I was weak in the knees the whole evening ..."

Asahina-san looked wistful until she suddenly remembered that it hadn't been me who had accompanied her that night, and blushed.

"I'm sorry ... I shouldn't say such things ..."

So, regardless of the reality, there were still costumes. At least this time she was doing it voluntarily, and to be quite honest, I couldn't have resisted seeing her dressed as the queen of Egypt.

I couldn't help comparing this Asahina-san to the real one. In many ways the girl holding my hand was actually happier despite her disability. She was independent and determined to live her life the way she wanted herself instead of being an uninformed subordinate at the mercy of the whims of her faceless superiors. She was rooted in this time and even had a boyfriend, or at least that was what she believed. I wasn't quite sure whether I could be jealous of myself but if there indeed was another me somewhere then he better take good care of this girl or otherwise I'd give him a good trashing for failing to realize how lucky he was.

Asahina-san's apartment wasn't actually that far from North High. After less than half an hour of walking we were already climbing up the familiar hill. Because it was Saturday morning there weren't any students around but otherwise everything was just like it had been yesterday ... my yesterday, that is. It was hard to believe that I was several years outside my own time.

And then we arrived at the school. I could immediately see that something was wrong but it took me a short while to realize what it was.

The entire old wing where the clubrooms were located was missing!

"Um ... I think that it was demolished last year. I remember hearing something about it being in a poor shape."

In that case it was pretty pointless to search anything from here. It was Saturday and the school was closed, anyway. Such minor details wouldn't have stopped Haruhi but I couldn't find any good excuses for trespassing in this situation. Well, it looked like we could safely drop this one from the checklist.

"So, what are we doing next?"

How about Nagato's apartment? I think that aliens bought their apartments with cash because they could just make all the money they wanted, and they wouldn't bother selling them afterwards for the same reason.

"That sounds good. Please show me the way."

I felt oddly melancholic as we walked down the hill. I hadn't realized how much North High meant to me. Hadn't the adult Asahina-san (big) from the future mentioned something similar, about how swiftly time passed and how you came to miss even those things that you hadn't liked while you were still there? Until yesterday I had had two years of high school left and now it was suddenly over and the most important part of the building had disappeared as if somebody had wanted to remove it even from our memories.

Asahina-san had also been quiet for a good while, and from her looks I could see that she was thinking about something. Then she suddenly tightened her grip on my arm and spoke in a distressed voice.

"I'm afraid, Kyon-kun. What if there's only one world after all? If we manage to undo the change and I lose you forever ... but then, wasn't it all a lie to begin with? Is my whole life a lie? What if I call my parents and nobody answers because they don't exist? Please give me strength ..."

I really didn't want to talk about it but she was probably right. There wouldn't be another Kyon, or another world of happiness for this Asahina-san, ever, but I didn't have enough courage to say it to her. It was just too sad. All I could do was to hold her hand.

"Why did it have to happen to us? I ... I miss you, Kyon."

How should I reply? That I miss Asahina-san, too? But that would certainly come out the wrong way and only hurt her feelings even more. Regardless of what was going to happen, an adorable person would cease to be as if she never existed in the first place. This was a terrible situation, I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. Nobody should be forced into making such decisions!

She wiped her eyes with one hand and continued without waiting for my reply.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't say something like that. It only confuses you and makes us both unhappy. Let's try to talk about something more cheerful."

She sighed and made a valiant effort at smiling.

"Kyon-kun, do you remember when we met the first time?"

Actually, I think that I do, but I am not sure how it happened in this reality.

"I had gotten lost at a shopping mall when I bumped into you by accident. You apologized and helped me pick up the items I had dropped. You had such a kind voice and I told you so as well."

Asahina-san chuckled, as if to some joke only she could hear.

"And then you replied _You have a very nice ... voice, too_. You hesitated just so slightly that I almost got the impression that it wasn't my voice you had in your mind. Is that how you remember it?"

Well, what could I say? Although it was clearly a false memory, she _did_ have a very cute voice, not to mention all the other things that were just as cute. Despite her disability this Asahina-san was surprisingly perceptive. Or perhaps it was just because of that? I could again feel the lingering temptation to forget that none of this was real, that this was not my proper place. If I failed to find what I was looking for it might still be possible to live happily in this reality. After all, there are worse things in the world than walking hand in hand with a beautiful girl who needs somebody to guide her around the city.

And there's the rub. Those worse things were patiently waiting just around the corner, and I walked into the ambush like a fool. I should have known better than that.

Do you know that feeling when you are absent-mindedly browsing through a book without really paying attention to what you read and some particular word jumps up from the page but by the time you realize what you saw you've already lost the place and have to go back to search it? That was what happened to me when we were arriving at a large intersection.

I wasn't looking at anything in particular when my eyes picked a familiar shape from the crowd of people who were waiting for the traffic lights to turn green for pedestrians. It must've taken a second or two before the message reached my brain and my attention focused on an empty spot where somebody had stood just a moment ago. So she had seen me as well, walking hand in hand with Asahina-san ...

Oh crap!

I caught a glimpse of the back of a person running away from us and bolted into pursuit. Asahina-san stumbled behind me and gave a surprised yelp when I lost contact with her. Forgive me Asahina-san but I _must_ catch that fleeing person.

This had to be it. I felt that I was so close to solving at least part of the mystery. There had to be some crucial piece of information, something that I could say or do to change the course of the play. Why are you running away from me?

And then ...

... screeching tires. A sickening thud. A moment of eerie silence pierced by a scream, followed by many others.

Through the crowd parting around me I could see a ragged shape lying on the street. No, it couldn't be ...

... a yellow headband slowly turning red in a growing pool of dark liquid. I felt dizzy and my vision started to fade as if I was falling into a deep well and looking at the rapidly receding entrance above me. The last thing I was aware of was the desperate voice of Asahina-san crying my name somewhere far away before the sound became distorted and darkness engulfed me.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

At this point I should probably remind once again that this is not an AU piece any more than _Disappearance_ is.

Tanabe is situated in the Wakayama Prefecture, not that far away from Nishinomiya where the events take place (although it is never stated directly).

A note on a particular detail that might puzzle those who don't speak Japanese: there's a lot of symbolism related to the Japanese crane, _tsuru_. As a part of the name of the Foundation (that I invented on the spur for this story, resemblance to any real world institutions is purely coincidental) it evokes an image of healing and wish fulfillment. From the phonetic component it was not a large leap for Kyon to make the connection to Tsuruya.

Despite a somewhat slow start we are gaining momentum during this chapter that was a real thrill to write. After Sasaki's rational and impassive arguments Mikuru takes us on an emotional rollercoaster ride with a completely different kind of punch to it. Kyon's defenses are starting to crumble as he is faced with a reality that has an undeniable history of its own. And Kyon, you should have seen your face during Mikuru's well-meaning suckerfish attack! Speaking of her, I felt that I hadn't done her justice in my previous fic and wanted to see a Mikuru who is not a quivering moe-blob but still appeals to Kyon's desire to protect her, and because I couldn't rely on Haruhi to provide a constant source of abuse something else had to give. Please forgive me but the name of the game is that sympathetic characters _will_ suffer. On the whole, this was probably the third most heartbreaking chapter of this story, though some of the impact will overflow to the next one.

The amount of tension stemming from both of them being attracted to each other and also knowing that the other feels the same, but still being unable to satisfy each other's needs was surprisingly high. If you came here looking for some hot PWP action then I'll have to disappoint you because this chapter is about as explicit as it will get. _Gomen nasai_, that just isn't my cup of tea ^^ Anyway, that was unresolved sexual tension played straight. In the next chapter we'll get something a bit more ... twisted. Hang in there, Kyon! There's five more chapters left to endure.


	3. Miyokichi

And then I woke up.

I lied on my back, feeling unsteady and too afraid to move should this reality turn out to be just as fragile as the one that had just abandoned me.

This was my own room. I was in my own bed, and I was alone. That much was evident.

So, I had just had a really screwed up nightmare, hadn't I? But when I had woken up with Asahina-san I had also thought that the last Monday was a dream and Asahina-san's reality wasn't. On Monday I hadn't noticed that Sasaki's reality was a dream. And if I kept using that argument then the only thing that had prevented me from suspecting that the last weekend could also have been a dream was that I didn't notice the change when I woke up on Monday morning ...

No, that was madness! Was I still dreaming and how could I tell the difference? This uncertainty was giving me a headache! All these worlds had to be real while I was there and it only felt like waking up as I was thrown from one reality into another. I had to believe this to keep my sanity intact.

I tried to remember the details of what had happened just before I woke up but it was rapidly turning into a blur. Had I really seen _her_ get into a traffic accident? I had thought that I saw her face but now I wasn't so sure any more, and I certainly didn't see a body after the accident. Anyway, why would she run away from me? That was so unlike her that it didn't make any sense. Nothing made any sense! It was impossible that something like that would happen to her, of all people.

And in any case, a time quake would undo anything that happened before it, wouldn't it?

This was also why I was feeling so conflicted at the moment. Even if it wasn't by my own choice, I felt guilty and strangely melancholic because I had left Asahina-san behind. Hadn't the sweet blind girl whose touch I could still feel in my hand just been banished out of existence and replaced by who knows what? Even if she wasn't the real Asahina-san, or exactly _because_ she was a different and admirable person in her own right, I couldn't resist the bitterness that was seeping through my mind. Sleep in peace, Asahina Mikuru from Tanabe, I won't forget you. You were summoned into this world just so that you could see how your dreams were mercilessly taken away from you, and for that you have my deepest sympathies.

Whoever was responsible for this would pay dearly for these unconscionable crimes. But first I would have to find that person or those persons. What did they want out of me and where were they hiding? Why couldn't they just reveal themselves already?

Only one thing was certain. The perpetrators were secretly following me as I tried to find my way out of the trap, and every time when I saw Haruhi they pushed the reset button and made me start from the beginning once again. There had to be something to it. The next time I shouldn't hesitate to use my trump card from that original Tanabata, regardless of consequences. I wouldn't get fazed by their dirty tricks again because now I knew that Haruhi was out there somewhere, and we were bound to meet each other sooner or later in every reality. The next time I was going to be ready!

But the most important question right now was, which reality was this? It looked like my own but I had already been burned once for making that mistake.

I got out of the bed and took a look around. It was morning but which day was it? The original Monday, Asahina-san's Saturday or something else altogether? There was a calendar on the table, with a red ring drawn around a Saturday ... in October? I walked to the window and looked out. It had still been spring on Monday, and summer on Asahina-san's Saturday but the landscape that I saw outside my window was clearly carrying the signs of late autumn. It was as good a confirmation as any that I was still trapped inside the madhouse. I had another look at the calendar and noticed a small detail that made everything even worse.

Five years in the future?

I felt dizzy. It sounded unbelievable but the little numbers on the calendar didn't disappear from the page. Had the time been going forward as usual for everybody else except me, or was this just another cardboard reality built to deceive me? Five years! What was I supposed to do to make it stop? What if there were so many layers of false realities around me that even Nagato couldn't reach through time to help me out? That possibility was too horrible to even contemplate. Where are you, Nagato?

I had just finished putting on whatever clothes I could find when there was a knock on the door. I was relieved to see that it was my mother. Had she aged? I couldn't be certain.

"Good to see that you've already woken up. You've got a visitor."

She smiled knowingly and gave way to a lithe figure that entered the room. It took me several seconds to recognize the person I was looking at. She was tall and probably around the same age as me, wearing a long tartan skirt and a dark blue sweater over a white shirt. Her hair was tied to a ponytail that made her look cute if somewhat timid. There was something incredibly familiar in her appearance but at the same time I was quite sure that I hadn't seen that face before. Then I remembered to make a mental adjustment for the passage of time and the name I had been looking for presented itself.

Miyokichi?

"Please excuse me. Did I arrive too early?"

"You certainly didn't! If left on his own, Kyon would be all too eager to sleep until noon so you're having a positive influence on him. Please join us for the breakfast in a while."

My mother left and closed the door behind her, leaving me with this girl who used to be a friend of my sister in my own reality. Yoshimura Miyoko or Miyokichi as she was called had always looked mature for her age but now she seemed to have grown up literally overnight. How old was she now? That's right, she had to be sixteen, and would soon be seventeen. That felt extremely odd.

She kept standing by the door, as if waiting for something. This was awkward. There was undoubtedly some reason for why Miyokichi was here and I was probably supposed to know what that reason was but how could I do that since I had only been in this reality for less than half an hour? I hate improvisation but that seemed to be the only gig in town.

...

"_Sempai_? I have something to tell."

She was polite as always. Regardless of what it was that she wanted to say I was not really looking forward to hearing it. The two previous realities had made me wary of any sudden revelations. I sat down on the side of my bed and waited for her to say something. Instead, she walked through the room in short, nervous steps and sat down by my side, putting her hands on her lap.

...

She kept her eyes fixed on her hands, as if trying to gather courage to say whatever it was she had on her mind. I had a bad feeling about this. What if she was going to confess to me? How could I respond to something like that? What could I say without sounding like a jerk? What was it?

...

When she finally opened her mouth, the softly whispered words were so unexpected that it took a while until I understood what I had just heard.

"... I am pregnant."

...

Oh no. No, no, this was wrong on so many levels.

How could such small words weigh so much? I would have done anything to make them disappear, to go back in time before she uttered those words! This had to be a nightmare!

I didn't have to ask anything to know what it meant. I had been stabbed twice already and now the invisible attacker was twisting the knife in the wound and going for the kill.

Please consider this setting for a moment. For whatever reason I was trapped inside a cruel play with a recurring theme that was all too evident already. Now, add an underage girl who just told me that she's pregnant.

I was _so_ dead.

To speak the truth, if I could meet the person who had done this to poor Miyokichi then I would be the first in line to strangle the bastard. Too bad then that if I asked anybody about it, that person would be ... me. That was horribly unfair, no matter which way you looked at it.

But it also went further than that. I realized something that had only been circling around at the back of my mind while I contemplated Asahina-san's fate. Whoever was creating these false worlds was wantonly violating the bodies and minds of innocent people and playing with them as if they were mindless puppets. It was simply inhuman. Maybe it was the case that those other aliens saw us humans as completely expendable creatures suitable for experiments, the way a human might treat an ant. That they hadn't simply crushed me yet but decided to play these despicable games instead had to mean that they wanted me to do something particular.

In any case, the perpetrators had made a preemptive strike already and regardless of what I did, I knew that I would soon look like a complete jerkass in the eyes of everybody who didn't know the truth. Why were they doing this to me? What did they want?

However, despite the relentless assault I felt that I was finally getting on top of this game. I had been taken by surprise a couple of times but now their moves were starting to become predictable. They couldn't know about the first Tanabata, right? If they thought that this latest turn of events could make me repeat my past blunders they would soon realize their mistake. I was willing to drop any pretense of courtesy if that gave me a chance to break out of the prison. It was all a dream, wasn't it? Sasaki had been right, if I treated it as if it was real I was only tying my hands down.

I didn't reveal any of these somber thoughts to Miyokichi. She wouldn't believe me if I started to explain the situation, and it was useless in any case.

At the end I could only reply with one sentence.

I understand.

...

"You ... are not surprised?"

What happens, happens. We must do our best with what we are given.

She sighed from relief, leaned against my shoulder and put her hand in mine. It was a sad sight but I didn't resist. If I had to eventually send her to the same fate as Asahina-san then this temporary moment of false solace was the least I could give to her. Please forgive me Miyokichi. I will soon earn eternal damnation by breaking your heart because this is not my reality.

"I was so anxious when I found out but now I am feeling assured. I hope that one day I could be as calm and reasonable as my sempai."

I was feeling like a jerk already. Didn't my deception make me complicit to the crime? But what else could I do?

"Do you still want to go shopping today, as we planned?"

So that was probably what the red ring on the calendar meant. It would save me a lot of trouble if I was more explicit with my messages to myself!

Shopping sounded fine to me. Or, as fine as anything. Was the shopping district supposed to be the location of the next ambush? At the moment I just had to play along as if I was still going to fall for it.

We went downstairs to have some breakfast. I was silently thankful that the short moment of holding hands had been enough for Miyokichi, at least for now. Quite honestly, I didn't think that I could have managed anything beyond that. There was something immensely disturbing in the whole situation.

Mother had already made all the preparations and invited us to the table. That presented me another small puzzle to think about. How many breakfasts I had already eaten in a row? Or when had I _actually_ slept the last time? It looked like there had to be some inconsistency in it, I should be at least dead tired by now but it didn't feel that way. Then I noticed that something else was missing as well.

By the way, where's my sister?

"What are you talking about?"

I'm just asking because I didn't see her anywhere.

"What makes you say such nonsensical things? I'm your mother and thus one would expect me to be the first person to know if you had a sister!"

Uh, that was supposed to be a joke but I forgot the punchline. My bad.

I could sense the curious glances directed at me. To think that I had to pull a Koizumi to save face! But what did the perpetrators have against my sister? And why now? If the aliens could make people disappear as if they had never existed, would it also be possible to bring them back? I had to believe that because the alternative was too frightening to even think about.

After the breakfast I walked to the station with Miyokichi. Fortunately, she didn't ask me to walk hand in hand with her. I couldn't help noticing that she looked pensive and after a while she decided to let me know what she had in mind.

"Sempai? Back in there, when you talked about your sister ... what was it all about?"

So, she didn't believe the lame excuse that I had given. What should I do, tell her everything or make up yet another blatant lie? I had never been good at lying and I was already getting deeper into trouble. Now I should also explain why I didn't give a proper answer right away.

Well, it's a bit embarrassing, really ... I just had this dream in which I had a little sister, and it felt so real that I got confused. I'm sorry for that.

I sent a silent prayer of apology to my sister, wherever she was right now. You are real, I'm never going to doubt it!

Anyway, technically speaking what I said to Miyokichi was a true statement but I didn't know how she would take it. To my great surprise she was quite enthusiastic.

"Really? Such a coincidence! When you said it during the breakfast, for a moment I also thought that you should have a sister but it felt odd because you don't. And now ... I think that I also had a dream in which I was with you and your little sister. Isn't that incredible!"

She gave me an innocent, happy smile.

"Maybe it is some kind of a sign? If we are having the same dreams then we are, like, soul mates or something ..."

She made the wrong conclusion but I couldn't possibly correct her. However, what she had said was quite important, wasn't it? Once again, I remembered something that Sasaki had mentioned, about how you had to have the entire world in your mind if you wanted to recreate it. There had been three changes already and now it looked like some things from the real world were starting to bleed through. Maybe even the aliens were having a hard time with so many changes and were getting careless? It meant that _I_ should be extra careful, then.

I kept my eyes open for surprises but there weren't any and soon after that we arrived at the station and boarded a train. Miyokichi took a seat but I preferred to stand, just in the case that I would have to take any sudden actions.

I couldn't see anybody whom I would have recognized in the train either. From time to time I took a discreet sideways glance at Miyokichi. She sat there with a dreamy look on her face, probably thinking happy little thoughts ... thoughts that I was doomed to crush sooner or later.

I kept wondering what I really knew about this girl, and the obvious answer was "nothing". It wasn't her fault but for all practical purposes she was a complete stranger, only connected to me through malicious sleight of hand. But the most terrible thing was that I realized that I didn't even want to learn what was her favorite movie or which kind of food she liked the most. This was all a bad dream and the less I knew about her the less the inevitable outcome could hurt.

Too bad that emotions are not something that you can sway with rational arguments. I was feeling miserable.

When we got out of the train and walked to the shopping district my task of staying aware of the surroundings suddenly became at least an order of magnitude harder. There were simply too many people around, too many things to keep track of! Miyokichi didn't seem to notice that I was rapidly becoming exhausted from sheer stress as we walked from one shop to another.

It didn't look like she had any specific plans for today. Apparently, the idea was just to hang around and spend some time together.

Actually, SOS brigade outings had a tendency of turning into poorly disguised opportunities for window shopping as well but the pointlessness of that was nothing compared to this. At the moment I'd have been eternally grateful if I could just open my eyes and find myself on yet another uneventful SOS field trip! Of course, that didn't happen. If this was a dream, how could I wake up?

I stood outside a women's clothing shop ruminating these gloomy thoughts while waiting for Miyokichi who had wanted to go inside to check some apparel and had been considerate enough not to drag me into the shop as well. I couldn't care less if people thought that I was ogling the pieces of lingerie visible on the shop window when I was actually secretly watching the people walking on the street. I put my hands casually into the side pockets of my jacket and noticed something.

A cell phone?

The model didn't look familiar but if it was in my pocket it was most likely mine in this reality. Could this finally be a message from Nagato? I browsed through the address book and saw that the phone was indeed mine. My parents, Miyokichi ... and of course none of the SOS brigade members. There wasn't anything interesting in the saved messages either. Most of them were from Miyokichi and I opened a couple just to be sure but it felt oddly inappropriate, as if I was reading somebody else's mail. Going through the saved items in the phone didn't yield anything that could have been sent by Nagato. For all I could see it was just an ordinary cell phone.

I kept fiddling with the phone and got a far-fetched idea. I called the number inquiry and asked if they could give me a number to the Green Crane Foundation. The attendant asked for clarification and after a while told me that there weren't any foundations by that name in the area. I hadn't had high hopes in any case but at least this confirmed the fact that there wasn't any continuity between the false realities. What was true in one didn't apply to another. It would be a waste of time to try to find Asahina-san or Tsuruya-san again.

Using the phone had diverted my attention from my main task of keeping an eye on the people walking by and just as I shut the phone and raised my head I saw a glimpse of a familiar shape walking away from me. If I had been preoccupied with the phone for a few more seconds I would have missed it! My heart rate went up and I felt almost like doing a retake in a movie as I bolted into pursuit, with the difference that this time I wouldn't let anything go wrong.

Third time's the charm!

I zigzagged between people as fast as I could and reached her just as she was about to turn around a corner. She hadn't still noticed me and I grabbed her arm. She shrieked from surprise and turned around ... and I was looking at a complete stranger! She had the same body shape and size, and a similar haircut but she wasn't Haruhi!

"What is this! Who are you?"

The girl had a good reason to be upset. I gave a stumbling explanation that I had mistaken her for somebody else and apologized profusely. She stared me suspiciously before walking away. I could have died of shame on the spot! Why couldn't I wake up from this nightmare!

I turned back and realized that Miyokichi was standing in a stunned stupor outside the shop. She had seen everything.

I could have dealt with anger and accusations. I could have dealt with crying or jealousy but the completely expressionless face of Miyokichi was worse than any of those and that was driving me up the wall. I could sense how somewhere behind those eyes things were put in a dark room and the door was locked down.

Of course, I gave her the same explanation and apology but she didn't say a single word as we walked down the street. After a couple of minutes of aimless walking she stopped on her tracks.

"Sempai? I don't feel like shopping any more."

I could only concur with her.

In the end, my attempt to anticipate the next attack didn't do anything else than spoil the shopping trip. Back in the train I couldn't help wondering how much the atmosphere had changed in such a short time. I was still feeling just as bad as before but now this malaise had infected Miyokichi as well. It was as if I had been cursed to cause misfortune and unhappiness to every person around me.

Miyokichi kept staring at the distance with a blank expression on her face and even darker thoughts took hold of my mind. After all, what did I know about the motives and abilities of the aliens? So far the only common thing between all the false realities was that I always had an unexpected and unwanted girlfriend. Could it be that the aliens weren't satisfied with just messing with people's memories to make them do what the aliens wanted, maybe they went much further? How could I be sure that one of them wasn't looking through those eyes right now, having stolen and desecrated the body of an innocent person? Or indeed, maybe they didn't need the original person at all, and only created an interface to her likeness? How could I tell the difference?

That would actually make sense in a sick, perverted way. If they wanted to keep me on a short leash then it was a perfect arrangement. If the girl on the street had been Haruhi, would the false reality have been shattered once again? Was _Haruhi_ the person they were specifically trying to prevent me from meeting? Why would they do that and why was Haruhi here in the first place if they could just make people disappear? And if I had a permanent chaperon with me all the time, how could I possibly hope to break out of this vicious cycle? I had too many questions already but not a single answer.

We arrived back at the station from which we had started in the morning and as we walked out of the hall I got an idea and suggested it to Miyokichi.

Uh, I'm sorry for the shopping trip. There's a cafe on the other side of the street, would you like to get something before we go back?

I wasn't entirely honest with my intentions. The cafe was practically the second home base of the SOS brigade and it would be foolhardy to not check it when we were so close already. Miyokichi looked at the direction I was pointing and just nodded.

We went in and took seats. I couldn't see anything worth noticing in the cafe but it had been a distant chance anyway. Well, now that we were here I could just as well take something. It was a rather chilly day and I ordered a coffee. Miyokichi looked at the menu for a short while before choosing a glass of water and a piece of cake.

Neither of us spoke while waiting for the order to be served. I felt the temptation to ask Miyokichi what the aliens wanted out of me but that would've been a stupid thing to do. She hadn't given any indication that she was possessed by some unearthly beings so it had to be just my wild imagination suggesting things that weren't there. We were both victims in this game.

I was about halfway through my cup of coffee when Miyokichi finally decided to break the silence.

"Do you remember the first time when we went to a cafe together?"

I think that I do. You ordered cake on that time as well, didn't you?

"It used to be less complicated, don't you think so? Not having to worry about tomorrow ... I would do anything to get that feeling back."

She didn't seem to expect any reply from me and continued.

"It feels like there is something horrible about to happen at any moment. Do you feel the same? But if we still love each other then maybe we can abide it together ..."

I felt sick. I excused myself and headed for the restroom.

How much longer would I have to endure this travesty of a reality? I washed my face with cold water. It didn't help with waking me up from the nightmare. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and gave myself a couple of brisk slaps on the face. The only effect was that my cheek started to prickle.

My face looked unnaturally pale in the artificial light and yet another unpleasant idea came to my mind. What if I was in a coma? If my body was lying in a hospital bed, tubes snaking all over me, and I couldn't wake up because I had lost myself into the deep recesses of my own mind, then what could I do? I couldn't flex an arm I didn't feel like having, or open my eyes if I didn't know where they were.

It looked like I had been cornered. Whatever it was, I couldn't see any way out of my predicament and with these resigned thoughts in my mind I went back to the cafe where Miyokichi was reluctantly nibbling at her cake.

I finished my coffee. Miyokichi left the half-eaten piece of cake on the table and said that she wasn't hungry. I would have paid for the two of us but she wanted to take care of her own part. I should probably have insisted but I was in low spirits and couldn't bother playing the role of a chivalrous boyfriend so I just let it be. If it didn't matter whatever I did then why should I even keep pretending otherwise?

As we got out I decided to try one last thing before admitting a complete defeat. Maybe I had been postponing it just because I was too afraid of what I might find, or rather what I might _fail_ to find.

I told Miyokichi that there was one place I should visit today, and that it wasn't too far from here. I would understand if she didn't want to come with me but it was important for me to do this.

She looked directly at me for a while before answering.

"As you wish."

With these drab words lingering in the air I headed towards Nagato's apartment. Miyokichi walked silently by my side and her apparent lack of interest concerning the purpose of this sudden change of plans felt worse than if she had asked me about it.

We walked through the familiar park where I had been already twice during the Tanabata of four ... no, _nine_ years ago, in order to help the middle school Haruhi. Where was that girl now when I was actually trying to find her? What had she been doing during these five years? What if she was now a complete stranger to me just like Miyokichi? Had she given up on the SOS brigade or had she just given up on _me_?

Why did I have to think about such things? I'd rather stop thinking altogether!

At some point I realized that I was walking in the wrong direction. I had been so preoccupied by my thoughts that I had taken a wrong turn! I turned around and returned to the previous intersection. Miyokichi followed behind me without asking anything.

That was right, I had taken a left turn one block too soon. I walked to the next street and turned left ... and found myself in a completely unfamiliar place. There was supposed to be a small shop across the street but there were only private houses. Had the area been rebuilt since the last time I was here? Anyway, I had to be going in the right direction so I kept walking despite the fact that I couldn't see anything that looked familiar.

After a while I arrived at a three-way intersection. Was I supposed to go left or right? I followed the left side for a couple of blocks but it seemed to curve back to where I had come from so I went back and took the right branch. The street headed up the hill and after some climbing I reached a small overlook giving me an unobstructed view of the entire area. Nagato's apartment was in a building that was so tall that I should have seen it from here but there weren't any buildings like that anywhere around me. Either I was lost or more probably this area had also been changed.

So much for my last saving throw! I wanted to scream out loud to my invisible tormentors. Why are you doing this? What do you want out of me?

That was when I noticed that Miyokichi wasn't with me any more.

I had concentrated so much on finding the right way that I couldn't even say when I had seen her the last time. I walked back down the hill and eventually found her, standing still in the three-way intersection. I could see that she knew that I hadn't even noticed when she stopped following me. I apologized. She didn't say anything.

It was a quiet, sad walk back home for the two of us.

When we got back I noticed that the house was empty, meaning that my mother was somewhere on an errand of her own. I went to my own room with Miyokichi and sat on the bed. She chose the chair by the table. I wondered why she was still following me and when she was supposed to go home.

I didn't really have anything to say to her any more. I hadn't seen Haruhi, I hadn't found Nagato. I hadn't found anything that could help me get out of this nightmare and I was out of options. So, this was the end, wasn't it?

A heavy, awkward silence filled the room.

...

"What is this, sempai?"

It is ... wrong. This is all wrong. It wasn't supposed to go like this.

"I am sorry. Was it something that I said or did? It feels like we have lost the contact ... as if we were strangers to each other. Why did it happen? I am afraid ..."

It's not your fault! It's ... I don't know whose fault it is but it shouldn't be like this!

"Can't we just forget it and go back to the time when we were happy?"

I don't know anything about happy times!

Miyokichi wiped a tear from her eye.

"Maybe it is that we have forgotten what it is like to be happy together. But if we can remind ourselves of what it is like, then maybe it will be all right again ..."

She untied the ponytail and let her hair fall down to the shoulders. Oh no, she couldn't be thinking of ...

"I will do anything to make it right. Is that not what you want, too?"

She removed her sweater. She was definitely going to do it! Why couldn't I wake up from this nightmare!

No, we can't!

"Don't worry, it won't hurt the baby."

She opened her skirt and let it slide on the floor.

"Please take me, sempai ..."

Don't do this, Miyokichi!

"Call me Miyoko, I am not a child any more!"

She ripped open the last buttons of her shirt and threw it defiantly away.

There wasn't any point in prolonging this terrible tragedy. I just couldn't take it any more. I put my hands on her shoulders and felt how her entire body was quivering from trepidation. Her eyes were burning with a desperate fever that I recognized all too well. She already knew but didn't want to believe it. Poor Miyokichi ... Miyoko ... forgive me.

"Don't say it ..."

I'm so truly sorry.

"Please ..."

I can't do this. It was never meant to be.

...

For the longest time she stood there in her underwear, transfixed like a statue trying to hold the tears and biting her lip as her cheeks slowly turned red from shame. Then, with impressive swiftness she pulled herself free and slapped me on the face as hard as she could.

I must say that it felt deserved.

That was also the point where I woke up.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

_Yare yare_. The title of the chapter should have been "Kyon's somber soliloquy". If one tries to find something positive in it then it could be said that at least "shame" was covered so well that we don't have to get back to that for the rest of the story.

This chapter was extremely hard to write. Normally, most fan fiction (even those that aren't blatant Mary Sue fics) is thinly veiled wish fulfillment and that is completely understandable - even this fic as a whole qualifies. After all, people write about things that they like (or in some cases like to hate). In that respect this chapter was an exception. The situation was simply too uncomfortable for me to enjoy writing it but at the same time it was an unavoidable part of the story. My apologies if reading it left a bitter taste in the mouth, the following chapters will be completely different (though not necessarily easier for Kyon). In fact, I'm starting to think that this story is like a sushi platter - every bite-sized chapter has its own unique look and taste.

Unfortunately, my portrayal of Miyokichi had to be almost completely made out of whole cloth. A minor character in the books and several important years removed from the original left me with very little to work on (but it had to be her, as will become evident). I hope that I didn't fill the void with too much stock issue _Yamato Nadeshiko_.

It is interesting to observe how Kyon's thinking is affected by external factors. While he was with Mikuru his deductive capacity was hardly used at all, an issue that he overcompensated as soon as the setting changed. Too bad then that it only made him drift deeper to the dark side through paranoia. But we can't really blame him for that, can we? Three chapters done, four to go. Are you willing to bet that by the end of the next chapter Kyon would actually be happy if somebody slapped him? Yes, it's still getting worse before it can get better.


	4. Yuki

_Disclaimer: The content of the following chapter is extremely harsh and reading it is not recommended if you are feeling depressed. At this point I can only ask you to trust me when I tell that this is the darkest hour, the unavoidable nightmare at the deepest level, and after that there will be a definite turn for the better._

* * *

In the end, I was granted my wish but I couldn't see any logic or reason in how and when it happened. Did my tormentors do it just to show that I didn't have any say at all in things to come, that they held all the strings in their hands and I was doomed to suffer whatever fate they had reserved for me? Or perhaps they did it just to mock my desire to get out of their trap? I'll probably never get to know the answer to that.

As to what happened next, I'd rather not talk about it at all because even the memory of it is too painful to handle.

It couldn't be entirely unexpected that I had become progressively more desperate with each false reality that had been forced on me. I thought that I had already reached the bottom of the pit after all my attempts to find a solution in Miyokichi's world had failed but it only meant that I was naive and didn't know what true despair tastes like. My worst tribulation was yet to come and it went beyond anything that I had believed to be possible. I'd have repeated my previous hardships a thousand times if it had saved me from what was going to happen next but alas, I wasn't given a choice.

I'm saying this because at that moment I opened my eyes and saw my savior's face.

Nagato!

I found myself lying on a couch in an unfamiliar apartment but that didn't matter because Nagato was here! She had been kneeling by the couch and watching me as I woke up. My personal guardian angel, the selfless, unwavering protector of the entire SOS brigade was here looking after me. I had finally found her! I felt so relieved that I could've worshipped the ground below her feet.

She didn't react visibly to my sudden exclamation. Instead, she looked me directly in the eyes in a detached, contemplative manner, as if trying to read my thoughts.

"You are back."

That was an odd thing to say, and the tone of her voice made alarm bells ring in my mind. I had been observing Nagato ever since I had met her a year ago and although she might appear completely emotionless to the untrained eye I was proud of my ability to notice the small, almost invisible changes in her mood, something that nobody else could see. That is why I realized immediately that something was horribly wrong. A somber memory from the past December raised its head. She didn't have glasses right now but still ...

I looked at her face more closely and the dejected expression and a hint of dark rings under the eyes were unmistakable signs of a fact that I didn't want to learn. I had to confirm my worst fear.

You ... are a human, aren't you?

A slight hesitation, a shadow of pain in her gaze before she turned her eyes away from me.

"Yes."

They had gotten Nagato! Even she had been powerless against the evil that was consuming everything that I held dear. I was still in the sadistic treadmill and its operators gave me the wrong Nagato! The disappointment and frustration made me feel sick.

What kind of a diabolic scheme had they concocted this time? Whatever it was, I wasn't going to play along any more. I could just as well avoid wasting my efforts and skip directly to the unhappy ending that was inevitably looming ahead.

Nagato? This may come as a shock ... but things are not the way you've been led to believe. Somebody's been messing with your memories. That's not the real you and I'm not the Kyon you think I am. All of this is just a bad dream and pretending otherwise would only make us both unhappy. There's no point to it, I don't know anything about you or this false reality and I'll soon wake up somewhere else anyway. I'm sorry for being blunt but that's the way it is.

She kept her head turned away from me so that I couldn't see her eyes. She had clearly heard me before but despite that she didn't reply to my revelation of the grim facts in any way. They had made Asahina-san blind, could this Nagato be deaf? However, she didn't give me that impression.

Please listen to me, Nagato. This whole thing is probably set up as something that we are supposed to do and in the end it will fail anyway. I'm sick and tired of it and would prefer to not even try. Can you understand me?

That didn't elicit a reaction either.

Is there something that you want me to do?

Pause, hesitation.

"No."

Or something that you want to do with me?

I was almost certain that I saw her flinching.

...

"No. Please excuse me."

She stood up, still avoiding eye contact, and walked out of the room.

What was that? Did she know something about my predicament?

I kept lying on the couch and watching the ceiling above me, trying to make some sense to my latest plight. Had the aliens given up their attempts to seduce me through people that I knew and were now trying something new? But what could it be since I was still paired with Nagato in this reality, wasn't I? Maybe she did indeed have something in mind but didn't let me know it because she was too shy? The other human Nagato from that alternate reality in last December had also been almost too shy to even talk with me, and after what I had just told to this Nagato it wouldn't be a big surprise if she clammed up. I'd probably have to get to the bottom of that if I wanted to get out of here.

Then I turned my head and saw the bookshelf. At least that made sense. I was with a Nagato so there would be books. It was peculiar how some things never changed. The rows of books of different sizes and colors captured my attention and I tried to read some of the text written on the backs just in case there'd be something that I recognized but it was rather hard to see them clearly from where I was. Could it possibly be ... ?

I'd be a fool if I didn't check it. I stood up and went to the bookshelf to examine its contents. I pulled random books out of the shelf and checked them for anything interesting but couldn't find any written notes or bookmarks. This Nagato seemed to have a somewhat different taste than the real one concerning her reading material. Most of the books were romantic fiction and the few factual ones were either written travelogues or some treatises on psychology. In the end I found only one science fiction book in the entire shelf but it wasn't one of those that I had seen the real Nagato read. I browsed through it in any case but other than it having a short preface that was a rather uncanny description of my current ordeal there didn't seem to be anything special to it so I returned it to the shelf.

There was a small cabinet at the bottom of the bookshelf and I decided to check it as well. The cabinet contained a random assortment of decorative items that were probably memorabilia and some miscellaneous papers that looked completely uninteresting. There was something that looked like a book below the pile of paper and I took it out.

It was a photo album. Should I refrain from taking a look without permission? But what did it matter either way, nothing of this was real so I opened it anyway and regretted my decision immediately.

I should have suspected as much. So, now I knew the name of the game but it didn't make me any happier. A couple of days ago I would probably have freaked out but after everything that I had recently experienced I just sighed. There was a formal wedding photo on the first page of the album and unfortunately I recognized the happy couple all too well. I don't think that I have to tell who they were, the pattern was rather evident by now.

That was when I realized that Nagato was standing behind me, watching my unproductive activities. She was so quiet in her demeanor that I couldn't even tell when she had returned to the room.

I'm sorry for snooping around, I was just hoping that there would be a message somewhere in here. I was wrong.

I closed our wedding album and put it back to the cabinet.

"There is."

It took me a moment before I realized what Nagato had just said. Was that possible or had I misheard her?

There is a message? To me?

She extended her arm and offered me a worn, dog-eared piece of paper with a single sentence written on it.

_Nagato can show you the place._

I recognized the handwriting. It was my own.

I looked back at Nagato whose blank expression didn't show any signs of interest in this latest turn of events.

Do you know what this is?

"It is a note you gave me three years ago."

And you know the place mentioned in this note?

"Follow me."

She turned around and walked out of the living room. I followed in her steps and found myself in a small hallway. Nagato gave me a thick overcoat from the rack and took another for herself. She saw my questioning expression and volunteered an explanation.

"It is cold."

So, we were going outside. What could it possibly be?

There was a stairway outside the front door. I could see that Nagato's ... _our_ apartment was on the third floor. It wasn't the same building where she had lived previously either.

When we got out I was surprised to find out that the temperature was below the freezing point and there was a thin layer snow on the ground. It was wintertime now? Had I jumped in time again? I had to ask Nagato about the current month and year, and the answer was exactly as I had feared.

A December, _nine_ years in the future? Despite the absurdity of my condition I couldn't say that I was surprised any more as it could just as well be true. This Nagato looked older and more weary than the real one and her skin had lost that impossibly perfect purity of a porcelain doll. She looked like a completely normal human in all respects but then again, that's what she probably was as well.

Nagato started walking in one direction and I followed her. I was not familiar with the neighborhood but this time I didn't have to worry about getting lost because I had a personal guide.

A married couple, huh? I knew that it was all a lie and Nagato didn't seem to mind either way which was a small relief. On the other hand, she was looking somehow ... resigned, even more passive than her usual detached self. Maybe we didn't have a happy relationship in this reality? Or could it be an aura of loneliness that she was carrying on herself? Had I been away from Nagato in her reality and that was why she said that I was back when I woke up? However, I couldn't possible start worrying about such issues because I already knew that only bad things would come out of it. She kept walking forward without saying a word and I didn't have anything against that because it allowed me to think about the current situation.

What did the message mean? Was it just another underhanded scheme to get me involved against my will or was there something else to it? Why would I write such a message to myself, that sounded unnecessarily complicated regardless of what the outcome would be. Three years ago ... what was the history of this reality if the me three years ago knew that I would be here today looking for a message? Could it be another emergency escape mechanism in which case I would have to return to the past ... or was it my future? A past future? Time traveling was already too complicated as it was and my lack of proper vocabulary didn't make it any easier.

Anyway, there was a distant possibility that I would soon have to write that message to myself. I remembered that the adult Asahina-san had told me about events that were predetermined to happen in a certain way so it didn't matter how convoluted the situation became with all the time jumping, if you were where you were because you had already done something then you would eventually do it because otherwise you wouldn't be there. It was best to not think about such loopy things too much or I'd only get a headache.

We walked for some time, maybe around twenty minutes through the silent city. It was already rather dark and the streets were empty of people, as if nobody wanted to be outside in this freezing weather. The air felt chilly despite my overcoat and I pushed my hands deeper into the pockets. In some happier circumstances I might have thought that the world looked pure and beautiful under the white blanket but the desolate atmosphere where the only sounds came from the crunching snow under our feet made me feel melancholic.

Eventually Nagato turned right and walked through the gates of a small park on a gently sloping hillside. I followed her and noticed that the park was actually a graveyard. What were we doing here at this time? She walked along the narrow aisles between the gravestones and finally stopped near the far corner of the yard.

"Here."

I looked at Nagato in confusion. The place mentioned in the message was here? What was this, I couldn't see anything special in this place? There was just snow and endless rows of dark pillars of stone all around us.

That was when I saw it from the corner of my eye and the world suddenly turned upside down.

No, it couldn't be! It had to be a mistake!

I read the engraving on the nearest stone again but the characters refused to change or spell any other name than the one I had already seen. I felt dizzy and all the colors in the world disappeared as if they were drained into some underground cave until everything that was left was the suffocating white shroud of snow and black stones that rose from the ground like rotten teeth.

Why ... how ... ?

"Six years ago. A car accident. She died immediately."

My chest ached so much that I couldn't breathe and I dropped on my knees, grabbing the frozen ground with my hands to avoid falling over. Through the agonized stupor that made the details of the scene blur in my eyes I could hear some clapping noises.

Nagato was praying.

...

I knew that after the visit to the graveyard we must have walked back to the apartment but I couldn't remember anything about it because my mind was taken hostage by a horrible cavalcade of images that kept marching through my head without remission or mercy.

Haruhi's stunned expression when she finds me with Sasaki.

Haruhi running away from me and getting hit by a car. Her body thrown on the ground like a rag doll.

Haruhi lying still in a casket, eyes closed, her skin white as paper against the dark kimono.

Haruhi's hair catching fire in a cloud of sparks, flames eating away her flesh.

Scattered pieces of bone, like a sad pile of white petals, picked up one by one and put into an urn.

The urn carried to the graveyard in a solemn procession and laid into an eternal darkness under the black rock with her name written on it.

It was impossible but Haruhi was dead!

Asahina-san's reality should have been just a dream but Haruhi was still dead!

I had been looking for her in Miyokichi's reality but all of it had been in vain because Haruhi was dead!

I had been trying my best in this reality, running after idiotic messages that didn't change the fact that Haruhi was dead!

I had been who knows where during these last years without knowing that all that time Haruhi had been dead!

It didn't matter what I did because Haruhi was dead.

The invisible puppet masters had won but I couldn't care either way, not any more.

...

I was sitting on the same couch where I had woken up to this cursed reality, watching the plain wall on the other side of the room but not really seeing anything with my eyes. I had a vague impression that Nagato had been here with me at some point but right now she was somewhere else. I didn't know what she was doing and couldn't care enough to find out. Maybe she was also one of _them_, sent here to show the futility of my efforts.

I had lost my sense of time. I didn't know how long I sat there, unable to move like a fly caught in a spiderweb, tied up and already stung with the venom, waiting for the inevitable fate.

...

Nagato was back. She kept watching me with the same dispirited expression as earlier until she noticed that I had seen her.

"Dinner is ready."

I stood up shakily, like in a dream, not even feeling my body because my mind had gone numb. This was just a dream, wasn't it? I'd wake up in my own bed any time now and nothing of this had actually happened. It would be Monday morning and I'd go to school and sit in front of Haruhi who'd chide me for not trying hard enough to meet her every whim and I'd make some sarcastic reply, and everything would be they way it used to be ...

... but I knew that it was a false hope. My whole life before this ordeal felt like a distant dream compared to the harshness of this reality.

I was feeling like an outside observer as my body walked on stiff legs after Nagato to another room where a dinner was indeed waiting. The table was full of bowls and plates with a wide assortment of different dishes. She had made this all for just the two of us? I had thought that Nagato might open a tin of canned food if she remembered to eat at all.

"Please have a seat."

Nagato served me flawlessly like a model wife as I ate but I was too stunned to be able to appreciate it. Neither of us spoke anything and the silence was only interrupted by the occasional sound of a chopstick hitting a plate. My motions were completely mechanical and automatic and my sense of taste was missing. I could as well have eaten gravel.

I don't know where it came from but at some point I realized that I was starting to feel irritated. Irritated at the fact that I was sitting here and eating dinner as if nothing had happened. Irritated at Nagato's perfect subservience and endless patience. Irritated and sick at the fact that we were in a warm room with food and drink aplenty while Haruhi lied in silent darkness under a cold rock.

I stopped eating and put the sticks on the table. Nagato looked at me with a cautious expression on her face.

"Is it not good?"

I'm ashamed for admitting this but I lost it. It was horrible, watching myself spout accusations and nonsense to the person who had the least amount of complicity in my plight. I wasn't in control of my faculties.

I shouted at her. I said that it was all a lie ... that she didn't really exist, that nothing of this was real and Haruhi couldn't possibly be dead.

I really wanted her to confront me, to tell me to shut up, to slap me on the face ... something, _anything_ to draw my attention away from the wrenching sensation inside me, but she just kept sitting there like an immovable stone Buddha.

My fit of rage burned out and disappeared as abruptly as it had manifested itself. I covered my face with my hands in desperation and guilt.

I ... I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

I felt empty, there wasn't anything else to say.

...

Suddenly, Nagato started talking in a soft, monotonous voice, and it was not the tone but the words themselves that shook me to my core.

"That program you found ... it failed. You pressed the button and the computer just turned off. Nothing else happened."

No, it couldn't be ...

"With those other people ... we were supposed to be a brigade. It did not work out. After a while ... there were quarrels. She left first. Then the others. Only you were left. You were depressed ... and I tried to help you. I ... I want to believe that we were happy ... and then she died."

Her last sentence was like a cry of pain.

"It started soon after that. You woke up in the middle of the night and did not remember me. Us. Anything. You claimed that all of this was a lie ... that you did not belong here. You did not believe anything that I said. You told ... that there was another world, another me ... and we were not ... I was not ..."

"But you also tried to make it stop. To live with me ... you said. You went to a doctor. You wrote messages to yourself ... so that you would believe. You tried to stay awake. It did not help."

"It has been like this for five years and eight months now. Every time you wake up, it happens again. You do not remember the previous day ... but you do remember her. You look for a message and I give it to you. We visit the graveyard ... and it hurts you. I ... was selfish at first ... I prayed that she would leave you in peace. Later ... I prayed that she could find peace herself. Then ... I just prayed ..."

"When we get back home, you demand an explanation ... and I tell you this."

"This afternoon ... you fell asleep on the couch while I was making preparations ... this is the second time today ..."

She looked at me with eyes that were like two black holes opening into a bottomless pit of despair.

"... and tomorrow, it will repeat."

No, I couldn't take it any more. It felt like the ceiling and walls were falling on me, crushing me so that I couldn't breathe. I had to get out of here before I suffocated. I bolted out of the room, through the hallway and down the stairs all the way out to the snow-covered yard.

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but my throat was so tight that I felt like choking and couldn't make any sound.

I bent down and threw up.

I stood on the frozen lawn in my socks, gasping for air until the worst effects of the attack subsided. The raw wind stung the exposed skin but it also calmed my mind which slowly started to work again.

It was impossible but I was again in that alternate reality from the last December. Hadn't I done everything that was needed to seal it off and restore my own world? I was absolutely certain that I hadn't neglected anything. Asahina-san (big) and the real Nagato had confirmed it, but despite that I was now living with _that_ Nagato, and it was worse than anything that I could have imagined.

But if it was that way, then wouldn't Asakura be here as well? Was she still somewhere nearby, making sure that I didn't mistreat Nagato? If she walked through the yard right now with a knife in her hand, I would welcome her with open arms as my liberator, not as a nemesis.

However, I was completely alone as far as I could see.

I also saw that it didn't fit together. The car accident had happened in the blind Asahina-san's reality, and it couldn't be this one because in the December reality Asahina-san and Tsuruya-san had still been friends even if they didn't know me. And then there had been Miyokichi's reality which was another world without Haruhi ... if a person died in one world then would she be dead in every world after that or could she be resurrected? The real Nagato might be able to answer that but I wasn't sure whether data entities understood death in the same way as humans did.

It was like a cruel house of mirrors. I was lost between illusions and couldn't tell the difference between a real and a false world. The only reality that my body could believe right now was this freezing wind that sent loose snow flying across the yard.

I had to return inside because my teeth were chattering from cold. In the stairway I noticed that the front door of our apartment was still wide open, just the way I had left it. I went in and noticed a definite change in the atmosphere. Nagato had never projected a strong presence around herself but right now it felt like I was alone in the apartment. It was too quiet and cold, too ... abandoned.

I walked from room to room but couldn't find Nagato. There was only one stairway so I should have seen her if she had come out after me. She couldn't have climbed up to the roof, could she? I checked the dining room and noticed that the tableware had been taken away. Instead of that there was just a single item on the table. An item in the shape of a book, wrapped in jolly red and white paper with a note on top.

She had said that it was December now ... and then the plentiful dinner. Oh no, please don't let it be ...

I opened the note with trembling fingers. Inside, written in Nagato's neat hand, were the exact words that I didn't want to see.

_Merry Xmas_

And below that, a late addition in a slightly shakier script.

_I am sorry_

My eyes blurred.

Nagato! Where are you!

She had to be here somewhere. I looked around and noticed that the bathroom door was locked. I banged on the door with my fist.

Are you in there, Nagato?

There wasn't any reply, only total silence. I had a terrible premonition.

I tried to force the door in with my shoulder but it didn't budge. I needed a tool. I rushed to the kitchen and took a knife from the rack. After a couple of fumbling attempts I managed to turn the lock and the door opened.

The room was dark. I could smell it before I saw anything.

Oh gods, no. Anything but this!

I switched on the light and the knife dropped from my hand on the floor tiles with a loud clink.

Nagato had always been pale but now she was completely white, lying naked on her side in a pool of blood like a broken doll. If possible, the scene was made worse when I noticed that she had folded her clothes in a neat pile on top of the washing machine so that they wouldn't get dirty, and that she had been using the shower to wash away blood until she was too weak and had then turned it off to save water.

Why do you have to be so desperately selfless and dutiful? You should never have done this because of me!

I raised her head on my lap and tried to bandage her wrists with a towel but the blood was still seeping through. Her body was cold and slippery and it kept sliding back to the floor from my hold as I continued my futile attempts at stopping the bleeding. I grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

Nagato! Can you hear me! Stay with me, Yuki!

Finally, her eyelids twitched and she opened them but her gaze was still unfocused as if she couldn't see me. She inhaled sharply.

"Kyon ... ?"

Just stay awake, I'll call an ambulance and it will be all right ...

She tried to say something but I had to put my head closer before I could hear the faint words.

"Forgive me ... for ... never being good enough ..."

Her lips stopped moving and her eyes dimmed, as if a light had been turned off behind them.

It took a moment before the truth reached my stunned mind.

Nagato had gone and I was kneeling in a pool of blood with a cold human-shaped piece of flesh and bone in my arms.

...

I suddenly realized that the anguished wail filling the small room was my own.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

The science fiction book Kyon mentions is Douglas Adams' _The Restaurant at the End of the Universe_, the second part of _The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_ "trilogy".

Anyway, that was a horrible, terrible chapter and the only thing that gave me enough strength to keep going was the knowledge that it will get _much_ better from here. All the unquestionable pillars of truth on top of which Kyon had built his defense were crushed one after another, until there were none left. The deconstruction is complete. It now remains to be seen how the reconstruction can restore the world to a recognizable state in the following chapters.

Poor Nagato got the groundhog day hell, _again_. Please forgive me but it couldn't be avoided no matter what because that was the very reason for why we had to descend into these desperate depths. How much easier it would have been to just tell instead of showing every vicious detail! A note to self: I _must_ write a happy Nagato fic at some point to compensate for what I was forced to do here.

I realize that if I was lazy, at this point I could just pull a Deus Ex Machina and declare that Kyon is the true God of the Haruhi Suzumiya universe and the other alien faction, suspecting as much, poked him until he woke up in his true form but he chose to disregard their pleas to work with them and restored everything back to the status quo and everybody was happy ever after. That might be acceptable in some works but I see it as too cheap a solution, especially considering the amount of emotional investment in this story, and because I'm not too lazy you can be assured that nothing like that will happen. We'll be doing it the hard way which doesn't mean that there won't be any heartwarming moments ahead!

Three chapters (and one _omake_) left and so much to do to get out of this self-made pit but please don't worry, everything is right on schedule.


	5. Tsuruya

And then I woke up in the middle of darkness, sobbing uncontrollably.

I wasn't alone in the bed. Somebody turned around by my side, silk whispered against silk. I could smell a faint flowery fragrance and a delicate hand touched my arm.

"Everything okays, dear?"

I recognized the voice. I didn't have enough strength to react. I didn't have enough strength to do anything.

Of the following hours I don't seem to have any recollection beyond the all-encompassing darkness.

...

When the sun eventually rose I found myself sitting in my pajamas on a strange terrace. Clouds kept marching apathetically towards the horizon under an unfamiliar sky. The vegetation, the sounds, the smells, the entire scenery was foreign, unlike anything that I had ever experienced before. I couldn't care either way.

At some point Tsuruya arrived at the terrace in her nightwear and started to go through a series of _tai chi chuan_ forms. The combination of something so familiar in the middle of all the completely unfamiliar felt patently absurd but my mind refused to think about it. I had lost all interest in thinking.

After a while she started to talk between the moves.

"It's going to be a megas fine day today! Aren't you glad now that we arrived earlier to have a full day off in this place?"

... this place?

"Did you forget that we chose to stay at the hunting cabin instead of the main castle? I know that the castle is gaudy and all but I honestly prefer a more down-to-earth and intimate setting. And anyways, we can move over there for the next night if you don't like the cabin."

The castle?

"Of course it is not a castle in the sense that we call them at home. A French château is more about social status than military might but it's still nice that we got the invitation to stay here during the trip, don't you agree?"

France?

"I know that you don't like these business trips but think positive, I've only got one meeting booked for tomorrow morning and then we'll be free to do whatever we want again."

Meeting?

"What am I hearing? Are _you_ starting to get interested in the business? Wasn't one of the very reasons for why my father finally relented that you've got zero interest in the business side of things?"

...

Tsuruya interrupted her exercise, walked over to me and squatted down in front of me.

"I'm not sure whether you noticed it, Kyon, but there's something wrong with this conversation. I know that I tend to speak a lot but it shouldn't still mean that I win twenty-one to nil. A bad night?"

... the nightmare ...

"That bad?"

... it gets worse when I wake up ... every time ...

"Oh, I know that I can be rather intimidating when I have to but don't you think that you're exaggerating a bit here? What do I have to do to cheer you up?"

... please don't ... it will only hurt you ...

"Look at me, Kyon. Does this look like my sad face? No, I didn't think so either. What was it that made you this depressed?"

... the grave.

She hugged her knees and watched me in a reflective manner for a short while.

"It was Haru-nyan, am I not right?"

I flinched involuntarily and she noticed it.

"Okays, I got it. You and I need to talk, but even more than that you seem to need some breakfast. Can you wait long enough so that we can take a ride to the village or should I order something from the castle?"

...

"The village is it, then. Please change your clothes unless you want to play the eccentric millionaire again."

She disappeared somewhere and there was a short period of relative silence. When she came back she was wearing a dark green cotton pullover and old jeans.

"You're still sitting here? And I saw that look! It's France so I should be wearing a frilly dress and a straw hat like they do in those paintings, nyoron? I can do it some other time if that makes you feel better but today I'd rather avoid drawing too much attention. And anyways, I've already got more than enough opportunities to observe the formal dress code while we are here."

She dropped a pile of clothes in front of me.

"You know that the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step? This morning your journey for a wholesome breakfast also begins with a single step and the name of that step is getting your clothes on. I'll take care of the rest, and if you really insist I can take care of that first step as well. You okays with that?"

To my own mild amazement, when the black SUV curved to the small parking lot behind the cabin five minutes later I was standing there with Tsuruya, fully clothed. The path of least resistance seemed to be to do whatever she asked, and I didn't have any willpower left to resist.

Tsuruya kept talking while we sat in the car but I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. I could only think that she felt too cheerful, too unconcerned, too ... alive. I watched through the side window as unfamiliar countryside rushed past.

At some point, there were houses and people, and soon thereafter, a stop. We stepped out of the car and I found myself on a town square surrounded by buildings that looked vaguely European in style. Tsuruya guided me to one side of the square where there were chairs and tables arranged on the sidewalk in front of what looked like a restaurant. There were some people around, eating breakfast. We chose a free table and sat down. After a short while a waiter arrived. I kept watching the events impassively as they unfolded, as if it was some sort of an art movie.

Tsuruya talked with the waiter in what indeed sounded like French to me. I couldn't understand a word. A random thought volunteered to present itself and I spent it wondering whether Tsuruya's speech patterns were as unorthodox in other languages as they were in Japanese. Once the waiter had left Tsuruya turned back to me.

"I ordered you black coffee and those crescent rolls that you like. They'll be here soon enough. So, are you feeling any better yet?"

... no.

"I'm sure that we'll get you out of that groove soon enough. Just think of this beautiful place. France is a lovely country to visit during the springtime and I very much appreciate the local cuisine, especially all the different varieties of cheese."

Cheese?

"No, you can't have any!"

To the surprise of everybody present, she burst into a riotous laughter.

"I'm megas sorry but you don't know how long I have waited the opportunity to say that. An old joke."

...

I looked at Tsuruya and only now I actually saw her the way she was. If I had been asked about it I might have said that she was in her late twenties or thereabouts. Springtime. Another time jump. It fitted the pattern, though I couldn't care any more. Despite all those years of which I didn't know anything, Tsuruya was still the same Tsuruya that I had known in the real world. She crossed her fingers and gave me an encouraging smile.

"So, about that nightmare. Please tell me everything that you remember about it."

At first I didn't know whether I could do it because I was too exhausted to be able to use complete sentences, but with a lot of pausing, stumbling and copious amounts of Tsuruya's goading I eventually gave a more or less complete description of what I had experienced recently. Our order had arrived at some point while I was talking but I hardly even noticed it. I wasn't sure whether my ramblings were coherent enough to be understood, or indeed, whether there was anything to be understood in the first place but I continued anyway until I reached the point where I had woken up to this world.

Then I noticed that Tsuruya had stopped smiling. I would have cursed myself into the deepest underworld if I had had any strength left.

"I never realized that you could be carrying such unimaginable sadness inside yourself. I'm sorry if my behavior has been inconsiderate."

I gave her a glum look.

I ... tried to warn you. It's hopeless.

To my complete astonishment, she started to cry and laugh at the same time.

"Poor Kyon, can't you see that I'm happy! I'm sad for your burden but I'm happy that I can share it with you, that you don't have to carry it alone. I'm happy that I'll be able to help you!"

Help me?

She wiped a tear from her eye and calmed down but a gentle smile had returned on her face.

"Did you ever visit the actual grave, I mean other than in your nightmare?"

How could I? You don't believe my story?

"I do believe that the events that you described are real to you. I don't know what it means or how it could be like that, but I'm not doubting your words. However, whatever it is it doesn't really matter because right now you are here with me and we can do something to it. So, I'm taking your answer to mean that you've never been there."

... I guess so.

"In that case, we'll do it as soon as we get back home. If you don't face your fears and reach a closure they'll only grow worse."

Maybe I don't want to.

"Do you know why you have been suffering? It's because you are capable of feeling empathy."

Are you saying that I would be fine if I was a selfish bastard? I'll rather suffer!

"There's nothing wrong with empathy. On the contrary, it's an admirable quality. It's just that you shouldn't take it personally."

What?

"You're looking at it as if the entire universe was doing its best to make you feel miserable, but it isn't that way."

It certainly feels like.

"If you stand in a river and try to resist the flow then you get pushed down, nyoron?"

I don't see how ...

"But the river doesn't care about posturing, it just wants to go where it's needed. The soft and pliable reed yields but the hard and strong stick breaks."

And that means what?

"When something bad happens, you try to find the culprit and if you can't find any you start to blame yourself. But sometimes bad things just happen and we must accept them the way they are. If you deny that and try to carry it all by yourself then you'll only hurt yourself. In your entire story I didn't find anybody who was intentionally trying to cause harm to others."

I've caused harm to everybody!

"Did you want to do that?"

Of course not!

"And you're wrong, you didn't. You suffered even more exactly because you tried your best to avoid hurting others."

So what? It didn't help.

"You are still so afraid of the dark side that you cannot see the light one."

There is a light side?

She narrowed her eyes and gave me a long, hard look that made me feel uneasy.

"Okays then, I've got something in mind. I think that I saw it on the way here, one particular place that we should really visit next."

We had finished the breakfast while talking. Tsuruya put some money on the table and stood up. I didn't find the idea of going to an unknown place too enticing but there really wasn't anywhere else to go, so I followed her warily. We walked through the main street of the village until Tsuruya apparently found what she had been looking for. As far as I could see it was some area surrounded by a high wall and we had to walk around the corner until she found an open gate. As I arrived at the gate I suddenly realized what kind of a place it was and stopped on my tracks.

I'm not going in there!

"Come on, there's nothing to fear unless you think that I'm an evil witch who's going to raise a zombie army!"

Who knows what will happen if I enter another graveyard? I've got too many troubles already to intentionally go looking for more!

"Do you happen to have a sick French aunt that you haven't told me about?"

I don't, and I didn't mean that. I just ... don't even want to be reminded about it.

"In that case we seem to have reached a bit of an impasse here, don't you agree? You don't want to come in and I can't help you if you don't. What is a poor girl to do, nyoron?"

She leaned her chin on her palm and seemed to lapse into deep thoughts.

I'm sorry.

"No worries. How about this, then? I swear that nothing bad will happen while we are in there, and if something bad then happens despite my most sincerest promise I'll make it up for you by buying that frilly dress and giving you a private show of proper French cancan? With stockings, petticoats and chocolate ice cream, of course?"

I was reluctant to admit it but her proposition was so absurd that it actually abated my anxiety and I started to feel like giving in to her request. I didn't know why it was so but this particular reality felt somehow different from any of the previous ones and that might have affected my decision.

"Great! Let's go in then, and if you start to feel edgy just keep your mind on that promise!"

I hesitated for a moment before stepping in. The gate with its rusty frame looked like a gaping maw just waiting to swallow us. Tsuruya walked nonchalantly through and headed deeper inside the graveyard. I took a deep breath and followed her. Nothing extraordinary happened.

Although we were on a different continent now anybody could immediately see that it was a graveyard. There were many similarities but also some peculiar differences. The overall layout was sparser and in some ways rather haphazard, even unkempt as if it had been out of use for centuries but despite that there were shiny new stones among the mossy ones. The monuments were also much larger than in Japan. Some of them looked almost like small houses.

"They don't usually cremate the bodies here, that's why."

Thanks for telling me something that I wouldn't have cared to know.

"Think of the ice cream and you'll be just fine, okays?"

In the middle of the yard Tsuruya suddenly turned around and took a wide stance with arms akimbo.

"Okays, here comes the important question. Why are you here?"

Because you brought me?

She clapped her hands together in admiration and laughed.

"That's more like the Kyon I know! Snappy, factual, and totally beside the point."

There is a point?

"There's always a point! Why don't we ask our gracious hosts what they think about it?"

Tsuruya chose a monument at random and started to translate the text on the side.

"Here lies Alphonse Dubois who wanted to become an intrepid explorer but instead spent his life as a clerk, intrepidly exploring the accounts of the local lingerie shop and collecting bottle caps until he died of liver failure at an age of 67 years. His nephew took the collection to a trift store and traded it for a lucky golf ball which he then promptly lost while practicing his swing near the forest of Trop-drôle."

Does it really say all that?

"Or how about this one? Here lies Bernadette Lefebvre, finally in peace of mind. She hated loud noises, pickled onions and flippant wenches who don't know their place and lived her life in self-indulgent surly solitude until she died at an age of 51 years during an onion-less picnic to the forest of Trop-drôle where she was hit on the head by a golf ball."

Now I think that you're just making it up.

She turned around and poked me playfully on the nose.

"Aren't you a smart one? And here I was, completely oblivious to the fact that you can speak French and see through my little ruse!"

You know that I don't speak any French. It's just that people wouldn't write such goofy stuff on a gravestone, out of all things!

"Oh, but they should! That would be much more educative than what they actually write."

She grinned from ear to ear before continuing in a more serious tone.

"Besides, I'm not making it up. It's all true, I might just have been careless and gotten the names mixed up. People are born, not of their own volition, do whatever they do, and then at some point they inevitably die, usually of causes more mundane or embarrassing than noble, and almost never at the moment they'd prefer. That's just the way it is, the ontological mystery."

So you're saying that all of this is completely pointless?

"Good heavens, no! It's the exact opposite!"

How come?

"If you get everything then it's just as little as nothing. If people lived forever it wouldn't matter what they do because they could eventually do everything, and most of it an infinite number of times. It is exactly because you can only do a few things that they have a meaning in contrast to all the other things that you didn't do."

I'm sorry but you lost me there with that everything is nothing thing. I can't see how it could make any sense.

"Okays, I'll try again. Let's say that there's something that you must do but you wouldn't like doing it."

Like homework?

"Something like homework, indeed. Now let's also say that you don't have to do it today because you can just as well leave it for tomorrow. Would you still do it today?"

I thought about my studying habits for a second.

Well, I probably wouldn't.

"I know you well enough, you certainly wouldn't. But if the same thing happened the next day, and the day after that ... if you could _always_ leave it for the next day, then would you ever do it?"

In that case I can't see why I even had to do it in the first place if I can always postpone it without any ill effects.

"Right, and therefore you would never do it. Everything just turned into nothing."

And that is bad?

"And that is bad if, unbeknownst to you, there is something wonderful that can only come into existence after you have done what you had to do. But because you never actually do it, that wonderful thing will never be."

Well, I guess that it kind of makes sense. But how do I know what to do if I can't know it before I've done it already? Doesn't that undermine the whole idea?

"First, you must accept that you cannot do everything. But of those things that you _can_ do, you do what you need to do the most, and trust that the Universe is not some malevolent monster that is intentionally trying to make you suffer."

Did I get this right? The ultimate word of wisdom is that "the Universe ate my homework" is a poor excuse?

She laughed so hard that I thought that she might accidentally keel over. Such a joyful sound was in a stark contrast with our current surroundings and I wondered how long it would take for an angry priest to arrive and drive us away.

"You're getting megas better already! Therefore I must ask you again. Why are you here?"

How could I know something like that?

Tsuruya closed her eyes and sighed before opening them again and giving me an encouraging smile.

"No worries! You'll find the answer eventually. Just let me know when you do, nyoron?"

We left the graveyard and turned around to bow on the gate and express proper respect to its inhabitants. I was amazed to see the change that had happened during our visit. Instead of an insidious garden of death projecting a malignant aura around itself the place was now looking almost peaceful with the green grass and gray stones basking silently in the morning sun. I was still feeling depressed but the gnawing fear had disappeared. Maybe Tsuruya had brought me here so that I could bury it to a place where it belonged?

On the way back we walked past some shops and Tsuruya stopped suddenly.

"I've got another idea. Can you wait for me here for a short moment, I'll be back right away?"

If you promise not to disappear without a trace. I don't know anybody here.

"If you can't trust my word then what are you going to trust?"

She walked into a shop that seemed to have books, magazines and miscellaneous office supplies on display. I had to admit that I felt slightly curious. Tsuruya was such an unpredictable person that one could never know with certainty what she was going to do next but it was almost always something surprisingly entertaining. Actually, she was in many ways very similar to ...

The pain came back after having been banished to the background for some time and I grimaced. However, it was more subdued now, an icy touch of sadness instead of the soul-crushing grip of despair that I had experienced in the previous reality. It would've been so much easier to stop thinking altogether but I understood Tsuruya's point better now. Things were the way they were and I couldn't keep denying that if I wanted to be able to do anything at all. Not that I would particularly have wanted to do anything but the world didn't indeed seem to care about that and kept pushing me into new situations. This random street with all its little details that looked completely foreign to me wouldn't just disappear if I closed my eyes and wished it away, now would it?

No, it didn't. I hadn't really thought so, either.

After a while Tsuruya came out of the shop with a large folder in her hands.

"They didn't have exactly what I was looking for but this should suffice."

What did you buy, then?

"It's a surprise. No worries, you'll find out soon enough and remember, anticipation is the better half of the fun!"

We walked back to the main square where the driver had been waiting us. It felt somewhat uneasy to have people standing by just so that they could serve us but Tsuruya seemed to be completely used to it.

"It's a job just like any other, who says that you can't live your life the way you want while working as a chauffeur?"

The driver smiled and bowed as we took our seats.

On the way back to the hunting cabin Tsuruya kept talking about various amusing incidents that had happened around this region ever since the Middle Ages. I suspected that she was making up most of it but it didn't seem to matter either way. She was just naturally talkative like that and it was nice to listen to her roundabout ramblings because it drew my attention away from the grief.

In the cabin Tsuruya opened the folder that she had been carrying and put a thick pile of paper in a variety of colors on the table.

"Okays, I've got some homework for you!"

What is it?

"You and I will be making _origami_ cranes. If you manage to make one hundred of them before lunchtime we can then borrow a couple of horses from the stables in the afternoon and take a ride around the forest. It's really nice out there at this time of the year."

I don't even know how to ride.

"In that case we'll just have to find a horse who can teach you on the fly! Here we go and remember, doing is the _other_ better half of the fun!"

She laughed again and took the first sheet of paper from the pile.

It felt somehow silly and pointless to make origami cranes in such a situation but Tsuruya had been so kind to me that going along seemed to be the least I could do if that was what she wanted. The papers she had found were not square in shape so after the first diagonal fold the surplus part had to be cut out. Rather soon I fell into a monotonous routine. Fold, cut, fold, flatten, turn, flatten ... I was mildly surprised when I noticed that the quiet and simple work actually soothed the mind.

At some point Tsuruya started to tell a story about her great grand-aunt who had lived during the Meiji era. I tried to listen carefully as she talked about events that had taken place right after the Russo-Japanese war but couldn't find anything that resembled a plot or any particular moral in her casual chatter. Maybe there was none and it was just her way of creating genial atmosphere. As with all her stories, I noticed that she was effortlessly adding clever word play and stealthy, oblique jokes just under the surface, probably to see how I would react. Maybe she was some sort of a genius in that respect. In some other circumstances I would probably have laughed until my stomach hurt but my mind was still feeling heavy and I think that it was a couple of times at most when I couldn't help smiling quietly inward to her jokes.

When she stopped talking just as randomly as she had started, there was a large heap of finished cranes of different colors on the table.

"Adroit lad! I bet that you're going to earn your ride today!"

Actually, my hands are getting tired. Can we have a short break before we continue?

Tsuruya stood up and put a hand on my shoulder, then poked randomly around my back with her fingers.

"Look at you, your neck and shoulders are as tense as piano strings. No wonder that you can't sleep well at night! Say what, I'll give you a good massage and then we'll see if that makes you feel any better, okays?"

I don't know if that's a good idea ...

"Oh but I insist! And if you don't accept my help then I'll call the chamber maid from the castle and watch by the side as you squirm under her treatment. I've heard that she's a real pro and probably uses her feet, too. So which one is it for the young lord?"

Oh well, all right then. I still didn't have enough willpower to resist, and Tsuruya was a naturally persuasive sort of person.

I removed the shirt and lowered my head as Tsuruya kneaded my neck muscles vigorously with her hands. She was enthusiastic and rather good at it and I had to admit that she had been right, the muscles ached a lot. It was probably also the first time ever since the morning when she didn't keep talking nonstop but the sudden silence didn't actually feel awkward. She certainly wouldn't be at a loss of words, just concentrating on what she was doing at the moment and giving me the opportunity to do the same.

I started to think about everything that I had experienced after I had been lifted out of my own reality and noticed something. It had ceased to make any sense whatsoever. Things kept happening but all my theories concerning the questions "why" and "how" had been proven false one after another and my every attempt at anticipating the next move had only made things worse. Then, after a series of terrible nightmares full of misfortune and broken dreams I was suddenly being wrapped into a warm blanket of kindness and compassion by a person who didn't seem to demand anything in return.

I finally accepted the fact that I didn't have the slightest idea what was going on.

I had approached my ordeal as if it was a game carefully designed to be winnable once I had mastered the rules, or a puzzle to be solved through proper application of logic and knowledge but that had only led me into utter failure and despair. What if it was something completely different? Maybe there was something that I had failed to see just because I had been looking for it so hard?

I had been like a child, lost in a forest and trying to find a trail of breadcrumbs on the ground to guide me back home, constantly failing because there were none left for me to find. I had never looked up, seen the actual forest or realized that I was free to stay or go wherever I wanted.

I only found it because I had stopped looking for it. Out of all possible places, all possible experiences, I was actually thankful for being right here, right now, and because of that there was also something that I wanted to know.

I've been thinking about it ... can I ask why you are here, then?

"But of course! I'm here for you."

I was moved by her simple response, not just by the words but the heartfelt sincerity and conviction with which she said them. Tsuruya-sempai had always been a rather unique person and now I realized that it might be because in some sense she was so much ahead and above the rest of us that she didn't have to pretend to be anything else than what she actually was. Instead of contaminating her with the deadly corruption that was following me, I knew that it was me who had been changing to the better because of her and for that I felt deep gratitude.

But it was around that point when I also felt something else. It was somehow like the experience when you are absent-mindedly watching the ever-changing pattern of ocean waves and then suddenly something in the image makes you realize that what you are looking at is not water after all but instead the back of a gigantic denizen of the deep who's coming up to breathe, and that it had been there all the time but you just failed to see the whole from behind the details.

For some time already there had been two realities on top of each other and I had failed to notice the second while focusing on the first, but prompted by this realization they split up and started to diverge rapidly.

I was about to wake up again.

I still wanted to speak with Tsuruya, to thank her for everything that she had done for me and to apologize for having to leave without a chance to reciprocate her kindness but in the indefinite space between realities I didn't know any more where my mouth was.

My final impression was that she knew it and had accepted it from the very beginning with a smile and a laugh. That was the way she had always been.

And then she was gone and the new reality surfaced with a loud rumble.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

I must admit that Kyon's melancholy and Tsuruya's extreme cheerfulness was a rather hard combination to handle properly, especially while Kyon was in the BSOD mode. The beginning of the chapter also contains the largest mood whiplash of the story after the darkness meter crossed the line and came around a full circle from the impact of the previous chapter.

In the case that it baffled somebody, the cheese joke was a shout-out to the spin-off series Nyoron Churuya-san. I think that it's actually funny in that context. The in-universe explanation is that Tsuruya was thinking of the humorous story she had written for the literature club anthology (that also mentions cheese). If you spotted both references before reading this then you are pretty knowledgeable about the series!

In fan circles Tsuruya is occasionally accused of using insane troll logic but I don't think that it's the case, she's just so intelligent that it's hard to keep track of her thoughts, especially considering that in many aspects she appears to be by far the most mature of the major characters. That is why there wasn't any contest when I had to find somebody to act as Kyon's spiritual guide on the way to recuperation - Tsuruya was the only contestant who qualified! I also know that her use of language in this chapter is somewhat anomalous, that's just the way she is.

Tsuruya's brick joke was inspired by the movie _Le fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain_ by _Jean-Pierre Jeunet_. The "everything is nothing" part is a reference to the philosophical question discussed in the short story _La biblioteca de Babel_ by _Jorge Luis Borges_. There were probably other references that I failed to spot.

Now that we've reached this point I can reveal that the latest chapter represented the fifth and final stage of the Kübler-Ross model of grief. In one sense everything up to this point has been a very drawn out prologue or an elaborate alignment of the required elements, something that was necessary for the proper understanding of the actual story. There are two more stages left of the main payload and only now does the major gear kick in. Please enjoy the ride!


	6. Bon Odori

Just moments ago I had admitted that I didn't have any idea what was going on. All things considering, I should perhaps be happy about the fact that immediately thereafter it became my first hypothesis during the whole ordeal that was proven right. I would tend to say that when you have played the game long enough without scoring a single goal, the joy of an eventual success isn't that much diminished by the minor detail that the goal was your own. At this point I don't really care if that sounds pathetic.

Oh, and one more thing ...

I know that there are holes in my account of past events, around those moments when I wasn't in the proper frame of mind to be aware of the passage of time. Concerning the events that happened after this point, there might be a thing or two that I'm forgetting because of ... other reasons. I'm not apologizing. What are you going to do, sue me?

...

Tsuruya's reality disappeared into the void and I woke up to the tumbling and clanking of a passenger train. I had been sitting on my seat, leaning against the window until waking up. I looked around the half-empty cabin but couldn't see anybody whom I would have recognized. A collection of solemn faces, each of them sitting in a withdrawn manner on their own seat as if they didn't even see each other. At least I was back in Japan but that was pretty much the extent of my current knowledge. Unfamiliar landscape kept flowing past the window. Summertime or early autumn, late afternoon who knows where and when. I didn't have the slightest idea where I was coming from or going to, and that felt oddly symbolic.

After a while I noticed that the area around the railroad was becoming more densely built and about fifteen minutes later the train slowed down as it approached some city. Loudspeakers went alive.

"... ... ... terminal station. Please step out of the train."

The name of the station was lost in static noise but it didn't really matter if it was the last one of the line anyway.

The train stopped with a minor jolt and as I stood up I saw that there was a piece of luggage with my name on it on the rack. I took it with me and walked out of the cabin behind other passengers.

On the outside a small sign informed me of the fact that I had arrived at platform four but I couldn't see any other signs that would have revealed the name of the station or even the city. The small crowd dispersed and I was left standing alone on the platform. After a short while the doors of the train closed and the empty train started to roll back to the direction from which it had arrived.

Stations are places that naturally evoke a feeling of melancholy, of transitions and departures. Maybe that is why so many movies use them to stage a scene where lovers are forcibly separated from each other. They are intentionally made to be walked through as quickly as possible, and they push people along the walkways like the heart pumps blood in the veins, as if disapproving of any attempts to remain stationary. Even on the station scale of coziness this one looked particularly desolate and drab.

I wandered aimlessly to the end of the platform and through a tunnel to the main hall. Some people were sitting on the seats here and there like piles of forgotten luggage, possibly waiting for their connection or the arrival of somebody they knew. I kept walking between the rows, wondering what I should do next when it happened.

...

Time didn't slow down. Instead, for a moment of indeterminate duration it _stopped_. The stream of experience ground to a halt, to an absolute stillness of crystal clear clarity that engulfed the entire scene. I was simultaneously aware of every speckle of dust in the air, glimmering in the evening sun that shone through the windows, of every pattern on the floor tiles, of every person in the hall ... of _everything_, and none of that mattered because at the center of it all was a figure that I recognized.

She was sitting with her back turned in my direction and as the time flowed back into the world and I realized that I was now so close that I could touch her if I extended my arm Haruhi turned her head and saw me. As far as I could tell she didn't even look surprised.

"You're late."

It didn't sound like an accusation in my ears. Perhaps I was just happy to hear her voice again regardless of what she actually said.

Well, you can thank the Railway Group for that.

"You never change, do you Kyon? Since it was you who invited me here good manners dictate that you should have arrived well before the given time just to make sure that everything is in order, or at least that's what I'd have done. I already went to the hotel and checked in, then came back here and almost got bored out of my mind while waiting for you."

Invited? Hotel? For a moment I wondered what I had gotten into this time but then I shook my head and discarded that train of thoughts. Pondering such questions was rather pointless if I was going to be here in any case. I would find out soon enough.

I'm sorry. I will try to remember that on the next time.

Apparently not noticing the sarcasm in my remark, Haruhi smiled and jumped up from the seat, grabbing my hand.

"It's a promise, then! Let's get going, I don't want to waste any more time in this dull place!"

It took me a moment to get adjusted to the sudden change of pace as Haruhi pulled me out of the hall and onto the parking lot in front of the station. She stopped a taxi and gave some address that didn't sound familiar to me.

As the car slipped into the stream of traffic I got a chance to discreetly examine the girl who was sharing the ride with me.

I could see it right away that this Haruhi was different from the real one. Granted, the outward appearance was identical with the Haruhi I had known in my own reality as if she hadn't aged at all during the intervening years, but her disposition was so different that it kept throwing me off balance. If anything, she reminded me of the girl who had suddenly appeared on my front door last Monday, or whenever that was. If I counted hours the way they are rationed by a mindless clock it might have been just a few days ago but at the same time it felt like I was looking through a dark tunnel at something that had happened in the ancient past. Still, I was quite certain that the girl who was sitting next to me right now didn't share that particular memory with me because otherwise she couldn't possibly look so happy, tossing her hair and smiling like that.

Actually, what _is_ it with that smile?

"No reason whatsoever. Can't I be happy if I want?"

She laughed. The openness and congeniality in her demeanor was again quite uncharacteristic but it felt nice, nonetheless. Perhaps I had finally lost it. Despite everything that I had went through ever since this nightmare began, or maybe exactly because of it, I got this uncanny feeling that I could somehow turn back time and undo all the horrors just by spending an evening with this figment of imagination, _yourei_ or whatever it was. Hadn't I reached the ultimate limit of despair yet if I was still looking for an irrational ray of hope, or had I already gone past the singularity and passed through into a mirror universe on the other side? Maybe I was a ghost by now, as well? Surprisingly enough, I couldn't care one way or another.

About ten minutes later the taxi stopped in front of a large, modern hotel. I couldn't see the logo of the hotel chain anywhere.

I found out that I had a wallet on me and as I opened it to pay for the trip I was shocked to see that it was full of money, possibly closer to a quarter million yen! What was this, had I robbed a bank or something?

Haruhi seemed to be rather excited and could hardly wait as I went to the reception to check myself in. After I had given my name the receptionist didn't ask for any identification but instead checked something from his computer and gave me a keycard. Yet another peculiarity.

"Room 523. Please have a nice stay!"

Haruhi was already keeping an elevator reserved for us and as I stepped in I once again became aware of a worrying issue that I had suppressed earlier. What kind of a relation I had with this Haruhi? Did we share a room, or even something more? What were her plans for tonight? I wasn't sure what to think about it. Even more than the other fake relationships that I had had the idea felt ... weird.

As we reached the fifth floor I saw that my concern had been premature. Haruhi opened a door that had a different number on it than what I was given. It was quite evident that I couldn't rely on the events of the previous realities in figuring out the facts of this one.

"Since you just arrived, I'll be generous and give you fifteen minutes to prepare yourself and change clothes. Don't make me wait any more!"

Haruhi waved a finger at me before closing the door of her room. I was left on the corridor trying to understand the latest turn of events. What clothes?

I found my own room a bit further along the corridor and went in. After I had checked the rather plain and nondescript room without finding anything extraordinary I opened the bag that I had been carrying all the way from the train without even knowing why and one piece of the puzzle snapped in its proper place. I was supposed to wear a formal dark suit? Well, that wasn't too bad, actually. Because it was undoubtedly one of Haruhi's ideas I had to be glad that it wasn't a frog costume.

I was almost done when there was a knock on the door. I opened it and saw that Haruhi had also changed clothes. She was now wearing a stunning deep red sleeveless evening dress with a matching shawl and high-heeled shoes. Were we going to attend a ball or something? Haruhi looked at me and frowned, then stepped closer to adjust my tie that I hadn't had time to finish up. After she was satisfied with the result she examined my appearance critically.

"It doesn't look half bad on you, Kyon. If you just could be bothered to try harder you could look pretty sharp in those clothes."

Thanks ... I guess. What are we going to do next?

"Let's find a place to eat, I'm hungry as a _gaki_!"

Ugh, I'd really appreciate it if you didn't say things like that.

"What's wrong with being hungry? I saw a promising place just a couple of blocks from here, we could try that."

An elevator ride and a short walk later I saw that Haruhi's "promising place" was some upper class restaurant where even a glass of water was probably more expensive than a full meal in a more down-to-earth place, _if_ you had had the presence of mind to make a table reservation one year in advance.

Are you certain that you want to go in there?

"Sure, why not? I want to try something different and we are even properly dressed!"

That wasn't exactly my concern but whatever, it couldn't hurt to at least try. Maybe it wasn't the top of the season right now?

Beyond the entrance we were stopped by a stern maître d' who looked at us with a hint of suspicion in his gaze.

"Good afternoon, young lady and sir. Would you happen to have a table reservation?"

Haruhi didn't seem to be fazed by the question.

"I'm sure that Kyon has taken care of such minor formalities, after all he's the one who invited me here."

Way to embarrass me, Haruhi! The man stared at me and I felt obliged to tell him my real name. To my astonishment we weren't laughed out of the place but instead the maître d' gave us a suave smile and ushered us forward.

"A table for two, welcome and please follow me!"

As we walked into the dining hall, Haruhi nudged my ribs with her elbow.

"Smooth move, Kyon. I see that you have finally learned to anticipate at least some of my wishes. That will grant extra points on your next performance review!"

I was too confounded by this turn of events to find a proper reply. What was it that just happened?

We were guided to a table at the far side of the hall and a waiter arrived to take our orders. I looked at the menu and found out that it was mostly written in what I suspected to be French and the few Japanese translations weren't much more illustrative. Haruhi chatted with the waiter and asked for recommendations from the daily list, acting as a regular customer of a place like this. I decided to choose whatever sounded less suspicious than the rest. Once we both had selected what seemed to be the proper number of options the waiter asked one more question that I gladly left for Haruhi to decide.

"What would you like to drink with that?"

Haruhi read through the offered list with great interest, cocking her head on the side in deep contemplation and quite obviously pretending that she actually knew something about wines. After a while she poked her finger at some random name on the list.

"We'll take a bottle of that."

"Mouton-Rothschild, an exquisite choice, madam."

The waiter bowed and glided away. Haruhi gave me a sparkling smile as if she had just performed some extremely difficult feat.

What's the deal with wine? I thought that you had decided that you would never drink alcohol again?

"So what? Now I decided otherwise. People who say _never_ or _always_ and stick to some arbitrary rules are boring and cannot enjoy life."

Well, if you think so then maybe you shouldn't make any arbitrary rules in the first place?

"Besides, I'll take just one glass, it's not even enough to get drunk. You can drink the rest if you're so worried about my health."

She stuck out her tongue at me, clearly oblivious to the fact that it looked completely inappropriate for a young lady to do so, especially in a classy restaurant. And if she was going to drink just one glass then why did she have to order a whole bottle? That was just wasteful.

Haruhi's first dish was a soup and she seemed to be satisfied with that. Mine was some kind of a complex arrangement of ... stuff, _something_ that looked like _something else_ and had a flavor that was even harder to categorize. It wasn't bad by any measure but for some reason I thought that I would have gladly switched it for the hotpot that Haruhi had made back in December. Of course I didn't go as far as telling that to my current company. I wasn't even sure whether this was the same Haruhi.

As the main course arrived and Haruhi dug with gusto into a dish that contained a whole lobster I found myself once again contemplating the nature of the person sitting on the opposite side of the table. I realized that I had to revise my initial assessment. She might not be my Haruhi but she was still very much _a_ Haruhi, several similarities went beyond the superficial appearance. Besides, hadn't she just done something to get us in here? If she had the power to warp reality at will then all bets were off.

What could it be? I could think of three different explanations that had at least a shred of credibility left.

If I was currently looking at some kind of a puppet or alternate Haruhi and this was all an elaborate scheme created by that other alien faction then undoubtedly they wanted me to do something for them. However, because I didn't have any way of knowing what I should or shouldn't do to defy their plans the whole train of thought was irrelevant and I could just as well ignore it.

If she was a figment of my own imagination and I was somehow trapped inside my own head, then wouldn't it be impossible to prove that one way or another? In order to prove that she _wasn't_ a projection of my own mind she would have to tell me something that I couldn't possibly know myself, but in that case I also couldn't possibly know whether what she told me was a true statement. No, this alternative was just as irrelevant as the previous one.

Finally, the most recent and astonishing alternative was that I had met a ghost. The causes and consequences of such an occurrence were simply outside the bounds of my experience but surprisingly enough it was also the only alternative that suggested a preferential course of action. If this was the ghost of Haruhi then she would probably be looking for something that she had missed while still alive ... and there was a slight chance that I would be able to give it to her. Was that it? Was that the reason for why I was here?

"Kyon? It's impolite to keep your own counsel during the dinner. It's not like I can read your thoughts."

You aren't missing anything there, my thoughts weren't worth reading anyway.

Haruhi waved a lobster claw in my general direction while speaking.

"I don't understand you! You've been altogether too gloomy and brooding ever since you arrived. Is it really such a chore to be with me for just a short while?"

Well, the journey here might have something to do with it ... but you're right. My apologies.

Haruhi raised an eyebrow at my reply but seemed to accept it without further comments. The dinner continued and I tried to be a bit more accommodating with the small talk. She _had_ been right, I couldn't gain anything by ruminating pointless thoughts. On the other hand, watching a happy Haruhi hunting the last savory morsels from inside the lobster shell with a concentrated expression on her face didn't feel half as pointless.

After we had finished the dessert the waiter brought the bill on a small plate and laid it on the table. Haruhi grabbed it and grimaced like a duck after seeing the bottom line.

"That much?"

Come on, I know that you want to say it.

She cleared her throat before straightening up and offering the plate to me in a formal manner, holding it with both hands like a precious treasure.

"Since you were late today, I hereby decree the penalty to be that you must pay this bill. Which you would have done in any case because I don't have any money on me. I hope that you brought enough since I'm totally not going to wash dishes tonight."

Haruhi giggled and I was quite certain that she had managed to pilfer more than her fair share of that wine bottle. I should probably have given her a better opposition but at the moment I could also feel the effects and the last thing I wanted in this situation was to incapacitate myself.

The total sum was indeed frighteningly steep but I didn't have any qualms about paying it and even adding a generous margin on top of that. I had been given more than enough money in this reality so I could just as well spend it. After all it was only pieces of paper and if those made somebody happy then all the better.

Back on the street Haruhi announced her next idea.

"Do you think that there's a Bon Fair somewhere around here? I'd like to visit one."

If you think so then undoubtedly there is, that's only reasonable.

I had a minor epiphany. But of course! Bon Fair, the festival for commemorating the departed spirits. I could immediately see the connection for why it would be the time of Summer Obon in this reality and why Haruhi wanted to visit a fair. On the downside, although I couldn't remember the details I knew that I had already attended more Bon Fairs than could be expected of a single person. Oh boy, one more for the team?

Haruhi managed to stop a taxi and the driver was indeed aware of a Bon Fair that was held a short distance from here, so off we went. It was slowly getting dark and as I sat on the back seat and looked at the neon signs that floated past us on the other side of the window I tried to find out what was the emotion that I was currently experiencing. At least it wasn't anxiousness. If this was some intermediate world between realms then death wasn't such a big a deal after all. I couldn't possibly describe Haruhi's current demeanor with any other word than 'lively'.

As we reached the intended place I saw that the fair was being held on an open field. There was a large stage at the center of the area and a group of uniformly dressed dancers was going through the motions of _bon odori_, to the tune of _Kawachi ondo_. We went closer and watched the performance for a while until it started to get crowded around the stage and Haruhi wandered off to check the stands at the perimeter of the field. The first stand in the row was selling fried snacks.

"Do you want some _takoyaki_?"

No thanks, I'm full.

"To be honest, so am I but you could still buy me one, just for the atmosphere."

As soon as Haruhi had gotten her treat she headed for the next stand. Were we going to go through every one of them just for the atmosphere?

"Let's try goldfish scooping next!"

What do we need goldfishes for? There isn't even any place to put them in.

"Stop being such a spoilsport already and get us the scoops!"

I bought two scoops from the stand while Haruhi was eating her takoyaki. I had the first go at scooping and found out that the game was evidently rigged. Not only did the goldfishes scatter around as soon as I put the scoop in the water but the flimsy net soaked in the water and just as I was about to corner one fish I moved the scoop slightly too fast and the net ripped in half. So much for that attempt! Haruhi looked at me critically.

"You're doing it all wrong. To catch a fish you must think like a fish."

Is that so? Here's your scoop then, please show me some fishful thinking.

"It's a cinch, really. Don't you realize how simple thoughts it takes to be a fish? Just keep the bag open for me."

She gave me a wide grin and squatted down. For a moment she remained absolutely motionless as if she had suddenly fallen asleep in a peculiar position, holding the scoop above the fish tank. Then she started to dip the scoop in the tank in a rapid pace and every time that she pulled it up another surprised goldfish found out that its habitat had just mysteriously shrunk to the size of a small plastic bag. I could have sworn that the fishes actually jumped into the scoop as soon as Haruhi pushed it below the surface. On the ninth round the net finally gave in and the floundering fish dropped back to the tank.

Haruhi examined the catch disapprovingly.

"I remember getting thirteen on the last time so I can't really say that I'm satisfied with only eight now. One should always strive to break the existing limits, or what's the point of even trying otherwise?"

Well, I can't see the point of spending the rest of the evening by carrying around a bag full of fish either.

She looked at me and then at the bag again before going to the fish tank and pouring the contents of the bag back in.

"You're right, it's winning that matters and not the trophy. Besides, now those fishes may have learned a trick or two and can give a better challenge to the next player."

As if anybody other than you needed a better challenge in the first place!

Haruhi ignored my quip because she was already moving on to the next attraction. She was so obviously engrossed by the festive spirit that I started to feel bad about my assigned role as the brake operator of roller coaster Haruhi. She wouldn't probably mess up the spacetime continuum even if I let her run wild for a while, and there was still more than enough money in my wallet that it could easily withstand any collateral damage that Haruhi might inflict by her antics, so why should I be worrying too much?

"Do you want to buy me a mask? I can choose one for you as well."

I looked at the available selection and one particular mask caught my attention. Oh well, why not?

Haruhi gave me a weird look as I picked a ghost mask from the rack and offered it to her. On her turn she didn't hesitate for a second when selecting a red _oni_ mask for me. Really, Haruhi? It was a pretty improbable choice to be a mere coincidence. Could it be that she remembered that Halloween party from my own reality where I had been the ghost and she the sulking oni?

I had specifically tried to avoid asking anything about the history of this reality because I was afraid of what might come up but at this point I realized that it also meant that I was possibly indulging a lie just because it was a pleasant one. In the end, what was it that I really wanted? A happy lie or a harsh truth? At some other time I might have said without a second thought that truth was _of course_ the only option but now that I secretly watched the expressions of the girl who was pouting at her new mask I could feel my mind wavering. The lie was more tempting and the possible truth more frightening than ever before. What was it again that Tsuruya had said about doing and trusting? If only I could even know for sure what I was wagering in the gamble!

My thoughts were interrupted by a crackling noise and as I turned around I noticed that the dance performance had ended and the program had moved on to the fireworks. People started to congregate to the center of the field to see the display better and we went with the flow until Haruhi spotted an elevated vantage point a bit to the side of the main crowd.

Haruhi seemed to enjoy the spectacle very much. I could see that her eyes were sparkling at least as brightly as the fireworks. I was on a more reflective mood myself and my mind kept wandering around until the scene that I was currently watching idly made a distant memory float to the surface. Why just that memory and why just now? I contemplated the issue for a while until I found the rationale behind it and during a moment of relative silence between successive cascades of fireworks I decided to try my luck. I must say that I managed to surprise even myself by acting before considering the possible implications but I had an uneasy feeling that I was running short of time.

Haruhi? Do you remember that one time when you told me about the baseball match that you went to watch with your father?

"Of course I do, how could I forget something like that? What about it?"

It connected! I felt like a runner who had just managed to reach the first base after an auspicious hit but I was still unsure whether to continue on the same ball or wait for a new pitch should any be forthcoming. However, I couldn't possibly hesitate too long either way or her keen sense of intuition would alert her to the fact that I had something particular in mind, and if she jumped on it then I certainly couldn't proceed any more. I had to make up my mind _now_. I took another look at the girl by my side and suddenly the seesaw that had been dithering between the alternatives came down so forcibly that I almost thought that she might have heard the thump over the general din.

Here goes, come hell or high water!

I was watching this event here and remembered that you told me how the experience of being in a large crowd made you feel that your life was insignificant, and that you wanted to find at least one person who was special in some way.

"So?"

Back then I couldn't think of anything to say but after that time I've learned many things. And just now I realized that one of the things that I've learned is that you were dead wrong.

She gave me a quick sideways glance, a hint of annoyance in her eyes.

"What makes you believe that?"

You didn't have to go looking for somebody special in order to become special yourself because ... because you were special all along. After everything that I have seen I can say that with absolute certainty.

...

Was it a home run or was she going to tag me out on the last stretch? I wasn't sure what I had expected but at least it wasn't what actually happened, or to be more precise what didn't happen. Haruhi kept watching the fireworks without acknowledging my words in any way. Her expression was completely blank now and I couldn't even begin to guess what she was thinking. I was already suspecting that she hadn't heard the last sentences when she finally gave me a reply, still keeping her gaze fixed on the sky.

"Do you miss our friends?"

Where did that question come from? Of course I miss them!

She exhaled and smiled quietly to herself before continuing. It took me a moment to realize that she was reciting poetry.

_"Bonfires at night_

_shine, with the departed ones_

_in fond remembrance."_

...

Was that some famous one I should recognize?

"Can't you tell the difference between fine poetry and something that I just made up on the spot? I know that I'm good but not necessarily _that_ good, at least until I practice some more."

While the words themselves could have been taken as a rebuke, her tone didn't convey any perceivable amount of annoyance. It was almost like she had taken my question as an indirect compliment. Anyway, modesty had never been one of Haruhi's strong points so it was already a huge concession that she didn't claim to be the greatest poet who had ever lived.

She was also right. I wasn't much of a connoisseur of poetry and could've easily taken Haruhi's _haiku_ at face value. I replayed the lines silently in my mind. It was appropriate ... no, more than that. Did she know? Was she trying to tell me that she knew already and that she had accepted it? I wasn't really a superstitious person but if I asked her now and she admitted as much, would she then disappear in thin air like an apparition? Despite the warm summer evening there was a chilly spot inside my chest.

Haruhi, do you ... ?

"Enough of yearning for the past! I'm sure that if our ancestors could talk they would tell us that they're pissed off when people dwell on bygone things so much that they forget to enjoy their own lives. We're here to have fun and right now I feel like dancing!"

Are you sure that you didn't just offend the entire congregation of your ancestors and besides, wasn't the Bon dance enough for one night?

"I don't understand you, Kyon! How can you even suggest that just watching something could be half as fun as actually doing it. We're done here so let's take a taxi and find a nightclub!"

She grabbed my hand and pulled me back to the parking lot, oblivious to my attempt at discussing our predicament and the moment passed. Oh boy, here we went again!

Another taxi ride later I found myself in a large nightclub full of people, strobe lights and a blaring dance beat. The doorman had waved us through without even checking our papers which made me wonder whether we looked that much older in this reality or was it just another trick by Haruhi.

Unlike Haruhi, I didn't feel like dancing. The whole concept was somehow a bit silly so after Haruhi had pulled me to the center of the floor I started with an imitation of Mr. Robot. Haruhi laughed at my performance before giving me a friendly slap with her purse.

"Stupid Kyon, dance properly!"

I tried my best but it felt silly, nonetheless. After a while Haruhi grabbed the hem of her dress and started to rip it apart just below the knees.

What are you doing? That dress looks rather expensive for getting trashed like that!

"It gets in my way while dancing so it's worse than worthless! Help me a bit with the back side, will you?"

After about half an hour of vigorous dancing I felt exhausted and decided to stop but Haruhi was just getting warmed up.

"Are you certain? I don't want to leave yet!"

Then by all means continue as long as you want, I don't mind. I'll take a seat and wait for you.

She scowled at my reply and I could see that she was feeling conflicted but in the end she decided to keep dancing anyway. I took her purse and the masks, picked up a couple of non-alcoholic drinks from the bar and found a free table by the side of the dance floor.

Now that Haruhi wasn't being dragged down by me any more her performance reached a whole new level. She positively _sparkled_. Other people started to take notice and soon there was a circle of admirers around her, trying to copy her movements as if she had her own dance troupe. A predominantly _male_ group of admirers, I saw. Every now and then she stole a glance at me and I looked back while contemplating our situation.

I couldn't deny it that Haruhi loved to be the center of attention and she had the looks and smarts to actually achieve that. Personally, I preferred observing others from the sidelines over being the object of observation myself. Polar opposites, was there an irreconcileable difference or a perfect synergy?

I kept wondering what was the terminating condition of this particular reality, and whether I even wanted to find it. I felt that I had gotten close during the Bon Fair but at the moment I was again lost in the woods. It didn't feel bad to be lost in here but at the same time I could feel an urge to do _something_, I just didn't know what that something was.

I was still in deep thoughts when I noticed that somebody was standing in front of me. I looked up at Haruhi's face that was glistening from sweat.

"Feeling grumpy?"

Nah, just tired.

She emptied the remaining soft drink in one go and slammed the glass on the table.

"That was a good workout! Let's hit the road before I regret stopping so early."

As we walked to the exit I could sense a number of angry glares from the disappointed audience burning in my back. I almost grinned. Glare as much as you want, I don't care!

When we got outside the club Haruhi grabbed my hand again and headed to a new direction. Her energy level didn't seem to be drained at all.

"That was fun but now I want to do something different! Do you have any good ideas, Kyon?"

This seemed to be another pivotal point, a moment where even the simplest decision might have a profound effect on which direction future events would start to unfold. I went along with Haruhi's pulling for a couple of steps but then the sensation that had been growing inside me for some time reached the surface and I stopped in my tracks. The sudden jerk surprised Haruhi and she turned around to look at me with a questioning expression on her face.

Haruhi, listen. I think that we've done a lot for one evening already, and I'm starting to feel tired. How about going back to the hotel as the next main objective?

"Huh, would you be satisfied with that?"

I prefer to enjoy things in moderation, and it's not like tonight is the end of the world, is it? If there isn't any particular place that you absolutely want to visit right now then yes, I'd like to go back to the hotel.

She kept looking at me quizzically for a while until setting her jaw straight and smiling.

"Very well, if you want."

We found a free taxi right across the street. It almost felt like one was always waiting somewhere nearby whenever Haruhi needed it and I couldn't help wondering whether she was wishing them into existence or did this city really have that many taxis running around.

It had to be almost midnight when we finally arrived at the hotel. The constant beat of club music was still playing in my ears. As soon as we got into the elevator Haruhi threw away her shoes.

"Ugh, my feet are aching all over. Who makes shoes like that and expects that people want to use them? The next time I'd rather wear a pair of _geta_!"

Now that'd be a sight to behold, Haruhi dancing in geta. I wouldn't mind as long as she didn't expect me to imitate Fred Astaire!

As we walked down the corridor she gave me a sideways glance.

"You've been awfully quiet ever since we left the club, Kyon. Could it be that you're feeling jealous?"

Jealous, me? What could I possibly be jealous of?

"Don't try to lie to me, I saw the way you were looking at me in the night club while I was dancing."

I bet that every single person in the room was looking at you the whole evening. Anyway, why should I be jealous? It's not like I own you or anything.

Besides, any lingering feelings of jealousy were certainly quenched by the fact that in the end it was me who walked out of that night club with Haruhi but there wouldn't be any way to make me tell her that!

"You're holding something to yourself again. Spit it out, it's not healthy to sit on your thoughts like a brooding toad!"

As far as I know, toads don't brood. Anyway, no, I'm not jealous. If anything, I'm glad to see that you're having a good time.

"And you're not having a good time, then?"

I didn't say so. In fact, compared to some of my recent experiences I could say that this evening has been simply riveting.

"So, what _is_ it that you want?"

The question caught me off guard. Haruhi was genuinely interested in what I wanted? That was a previously unheard of proposition. A mischievous thought popped up in my mind and I decided to run with it. Maybe my sense of self-preservation had broken down after enduring so many blows?

Well, actually, I've got this little fantasy of mine ...

"Let's hear it, then!"

Okay ... in the fantasy that I've got in my mind, what happens next is that you invite me to your own room ...

Her eyes went wide open. She hadn't been expecting anything like that and it made this all the more enjoyable.

"And ... ?"

... and then you take off your clothes and go to bed ...

"And ... !"

It was quite evident from the look on her face that by now she couldn't believe what she was hearing. I couldn't help grinning from ear to ear while delivering the punchline.

... and then I sit by the bed while you sleep, content with the knowledge that everything is well in the world. And if I can then find a working marker pen all my dreams will be fulfilled!

"Kyon, you idiot!"

She grabbed the front of my jacket and pulled my face down to her level, staring me right into the eyes. So, she was still as strong as ever but at the same time I could see that she wasn't actually angry at my joke. Why had she decided to switch to full contact play, then?

You know, should any other hotel guests walk through this corridor right now they might get a completely wrong idea about what's going on.

"I couldn't care less about what some strangers think!"

Well, that was true, she had never really cared that much about social norms and peculiarly enough at the moment I was inclined to agree with her. None of this was real so what did it matter if our actions were disapproved by random outsiders?

She kept playing haphazardly with my tie and smiled quietly to herself before continuing in a completely different tone.

"So, was that an honest offer or were you lying to me again?"

It had been meant as a lame joke but I was surprised to realize that there was more to it. Much more, really. Now that I actually thought about it, my options were either to spend the night together with Haruhi, or stay in my own room, only accompanied by the pale phantoms of my past nightmares. What kind of a choice was that? I would be insane to even pretend that I was seriously deliberating between those two alternatives since the only possible answer was clear as a day! I suppressed a temptation to ask her if she indeed had a marker pen lying around somewhere and managed to nod.

"Come in, then."

She took a keycard from her purse and we entered the room. The evil playwrights and their secret plans be cursed and screw the consequences, I was going to do this because I knew that it was the right thing to do!

The room looked similar to mine. There was a single large bed, a table and a chair, and a couple of framed prints on the wall. I put my oni mask on the table next to Haruhi's ghost and walked over to the window to watch the busy lights of the city while Haruhi went to the bathroom. I could hear that she had decided to take a shower.

This ordeal had already thrown me into many awkward, sad and some heart-wrenching situations but this one had to be the most contrived. I was spending a night with Haruhi at some random hotel, how probable could something like that be? I didn't know what to expect from this but if she wanted to do what I had half-jokingly suggested then I could live with that.

After a while I heard that Haruhi opened the bathroom door.

"I'm done here and I don't have any clothes on. Don't try to peek or I'll throw you out! It's not like there's anything to be ashamed of in my body but I can't stand lecherous jerks who don't know how to control their urges."

Well, that was a completely unnecessary warning. I was feeling like Izanagi-no-Mikoto at the gates of the underworld and didn't have any intention to peek in the first place!

Behind my back I could hear the sound of bare feet treading on the floor and then the rustling of bedsheets.

"Okay, you can turn around now."

Haruhi had wrapped the blanket around herself like a cocoon and the only thing that stuck out was her head. She had removed the headband and her hair spread over the pillow in a dark, shiny cloud. She had one of those complex expressions on her face, as if looking for my approval of the current situation. I couldn't help noticing how young and vulnerable the setting made her look like.

"Is this the dream you wanted to have?"

I felt a lump in my throat. I didn't care whether she was the real Haruhi or a fake one, a ghost temporarily summoned back from the oblivion or a puppet of the hidden alien stage masters. She was here and that was all that counted. In any other situation I might have tried to make some snide retort but right now I couldn't come up with any and it wouldn't have felt right either, so I opted for the plain truth.

Yes, I'd take this one over all those others, any time.

"I'm glad to hear that."

To be honest, though, right now she looked more pensive than glad.

"And Kyon? If I've caused you trouble ... I'm sorry. I never meant it that way."

Don't speak such nonsense! I can't even remember the last time when I had as few troubles as tonight!

"Is that so? Is this really everything that you were wishing for?"

Well, there's no point in getting greedy, is there?

"Are you sure?"

I'm sure, don't worry about that.

She seemed to think about something for a while before looking back at me, smiling, as if having reached a resolution.

"I think that there's something that we both would like and now I know what to do. Actually, it was you who gave me the idea."

Which idea?

"As if I told you right here and now! Let's keep it a surprise, it's much more fun that way."

Is that so? In that case, I'll be looking forward to it. Good night, Haruhi.

"Good night, Kyon."

I went to switch off the lights and pulled the chair a bit closer to the bed before sitting down. There was enough light coming through the curtains that I could see that she had closed her eyes. I sat there, listening to the sound of her breathing that slowly became deeper and more regular. If she could fall asleep just like that then didn't it mean that she had an implicit trust in me?

Haruhi looked so innocent and tranquil when she was not awake and rushing headlong from one experience to another. Such a blithe spirit, even in her sleep she was still radiating that faint aura of a fervent passion for life.

There was a stray lock of hair on her face, bending gently back and forth as she breathed. I felt an urge to swipe it to the side but was too afraid of accidentally waking her up so I just let it be. Good night Haruhi and sleep in peace. It brought me solace that I could share this transient moment of happiness with you before the final departure.

All of this might be just a lie but I didn't care any more. For the first time ever since I had gotten lost in this treacherous maze of illusions I felt that I was exactly where I was meant to be.

Can you hear me now, Tsuruya-sensei? I think that I've found the answer to your question.

If it was up to me I was going to stay awake the whole night, watching that endearing sight.

I failed, of course.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

The thing about masks was a reference to my previous fic, _The Deconstruction of Haruhi Suzumiya_ which is a much more lighthearted story than this one.

Izanagi and his wife Izanami are Shinto deities. When Izanami died of childbirth Izanagi descended to the underworld to bring her back. Izanami demanded that he shouldn't look at her while she was preparing herself for the journey but eventually Izanagi couldn't restrain himself and opened the gates anyway, finding her in the form of a rotting corpse. Because of the shame inflicted by this Izanami became an eternal enemy of Izanagi.

The events of this chapter are the first vision that I recalled, and the reason for why I started to write down this story in the first place. On the surface it looked like a light piece of WAFF and for a while I believed that I was indeed uncovering a romantic story. However, there were some anomalies in it, the odd phrase or a peculiar turn of events that I felt obliged to investigate so that I wouldn't miss anything essential. In retrospect I could say that from the very beginning there was an unsettling element of foreboding in the atmosphere despite the seemingly innocent events, as if everything was happening on a razor's edge, but nothing really prepared me to what I found when I started to dig deeper into the causes and consequences of the story. Shards of other dreams behind this one started to come up as I proceeded and when I realized what they contained I was stunned, upset, and on several occasions I actually cried. I had had no idea.

Kyon's dilemma between truth and happiness was very much that of mine as well during the writing process. Some people want to see the original Haruhi universe as a happy and harmless place and are undoubtedly annoyed by the darker details of this story but I didn't have any choice if I wanted to stay true to what I found, so I have tried to put together all the shards to the best of my ability, without leaving out a single piece. It is left to you, the reader, to judge whether I succeeded in recreating an integral whole.

Anyway, that was it. This is the end of the main story and the next chapter is merely an epilogue with acute bouts of philosophy and plot exposition. Like with Kyon's literature club assignment, the story has run its course and all the relevant elements have been laid bare. There is only one logical way to close the circle and therefore spelling it out is almost an exercise in excessive narrative redundancy. Can you spot the pattern and see the shape of the missing piece that ties everything together? If you want to try your luck at guessing the outcome based on the given hints then now is the last chance. Please remember that the story _will_ converge to a known point in the original series, and don't trust Kyon's narration too much. Sometimes what is _not_ said is more important than what is said.

In any case, you will find the complete resolution in the next chapter, and after that there's a short bonus chapter to balance the accounts.


	7. Epilogue

The bleak glow of a new dawn found me slumped in a chair. My muscles ached and I had a damp spot of drool on my shirt. Then the realization went through my mind like a jolt of electricity and I was suddenly wide awake. I had fallen asleep by accident but I woke up in the same reality as before! The nightmare was over!

If I was temporarily experiencing a sense of exhilaration it was cut short by what I saw next. It was rather evident that the only bed in the room was untouched. I rummaged through the bedsheets just to be certain and the only possible conclusion was so clear that anybody could see it. Nobody had slept in that bed during the night. A cursory examination of the room failed to produce any evidence of Haruhi's presence, even the towels in the bathroom were in a neat undisturbed pile on the rack. The solitary oni mask kept grimacing at me from the table as if mocking my futile efforts.

Haruhi had disappeared as if she had never been here in the first place. But if I was to be completely honest, hadn't I known it from the beginning? It had indeed been the terminal station, the fever dream to end all dreams. I had met a ghost for the last Bon dance and now I would never see her again. The truth was just as harsh as I had feared but for some reason there wasn't any grief left in me, only hollowness. Maybe that was how it was meant to be when one realizes that they cannot find a heaven or hell willing to receive their stricken soul, only the limbo.

My current predicament made it obvious enough that in the end I had indeed accomplished something. However, I might never find out whether that something was positive or negative. Did it matter? I couldn't say. I had done my best.

I sat down in the chair again. Regardless of what I did next it wouldn't matter any more because the train had left the station for the last time. So, I could just as well not even bother trying.

I don't know how long I sat there just watching the empty room and letting my mind wander. It would have been merciful if I could have stopped thinking as well but that was easier said than done. The human mind is a fickle thing and at some point I found out that mine was chewing a particular memory from the past. I didn't like the look of it and tried to throw the memory away but like a dog playing fetch my mind picked it up again until I gave up and examined it more closely.

The time was last December, the place that alternate reality just after Nagato had summoned it into existence. On my first encounter I had been stabbed by Asakura but the memory that I couldn't put out of my mind was related to the second encounter during which I saw what happened after the first me had passed out from blood loss. Nagato prevented Asakura from finishing me off and then disintegrated her, and there was something in that scene that bothered me but I wasn't sure what it was. It couldn't be sympathy for the devil because the poorly concealed bloodlust behind Asakura's cheerful and agreeable facade made her utterly despicable in my mind. It wasn't even the fact that she was specifically summoned there by Nagato to protect her alternate self from harm, something that Asakura was arguably trying to do by stabbing me. No, her distressed confusion when she was put down for actually doing what she was supposed to do, by the same person who had programmed her, couldn't make me raise a single finger to interfere. She had done her duty and I had now done mine but other than that we were totally different. If it was up to me, she should stay eternally banished out of all realities I could dream of.

But still, there was _something_ in it. I had seen Asakura getting disintegrated earlier as well so why didn't that bother me? Where was the difference? On that time she had been chatting nonchalantly despite the fact that her body was turning to dust. They were humanoid interfaces so getting one interface destroyed was probably just a minor inconvenience to them, like breaking my cell phone might be for me ...

... and then I understood. On the second time it happened in the alternate reality where data entities didn't exist, Nagato had even confirmed it. It meant that the Asakura who had stabbed me had to be ... a human? And for a human, I dare to say that getting disintegrated is more than just a minor inconvenience.

In the end, it wasn't specifically Asakura's fate that had been bothering me but that of everybody else. Once an alternate reality was terminated, didn't every living being of that reality meet the same fate? Or was everything just like a dream, a random distraction that felt important only while it was there but was easily forgotten at the dawn of a new day?

I might find out soon, there was a tangible sense of foreboding in the atmosphere of this reality.

...

And then somebody knocked on the door. Had the nightmare returned once again, still not sated by the havoc it had managed to inflict? Who was it going to be this time? Kyouko Tachibana and that creepy alien Kuyou as a tag team? Miss Mori from the Organization as a chamber maid? Or perhaps something even worse? Please save me from a knife-crazy Asakura, that would be so incredibly lame! I opened the door with great apprehension. I probably shouldn't have done that but old habits die hard.

Oh boy!

This was really the bottom of the bottom. Please don't tell me that we are a couple!

"That is a most bizarre thing to say!"

Koizumi faked an expression of surprise but I could clearly see that he was also intrigued by it. Just to be completely clear, any romantic plot is absolutely out of question. I flat out refuse to play along so if that's what's in your mind then you can give up and exit the same way you just came in.

The official mysterious transfer student scratched his chin, looked at my attire and took a glance around the room. For some reason he didn't seem to have aged at all. He was even wearing the same clothes as usual. Had I met another ghost?

"You don't have to worry because I don't have any confessions to make, at least of the kind that you seem to be expecting. Anyway, this is highly unusual. Would you mind letting me know what is it that has happened here?"

I considered that for a moment and decided that it was a fair enough request.

If I was you I would take a seat because this is a long story, and I'm not quite sure where to start.

So, we sat down and I gave him a more or less direct account of events that had passed since last Saturday or whenever that was. There were some things that I omitted intentionally because they were none of Koizumi's business anyway. He made a couple of questions here and there but didn't otherwise interfere with any remarks of his own, and I was grateful for that. It might have taken closer to an hour until I was done.

And this is where I am now. That is what happened and I'll be damned if I can make head or tails of it.

...

Koizumi remained silent for a considerable time, keeping his eyes closed and tapping his temple with one finger. I must admit that there was quite a lot to be digested in it but I could also see that he was just mulling it over to come up with some outlandish new theory for his own entertainment. I wasn't disappointed.

"This is quite extraordinary! The potential implications are sweeping."

You may see it just as an intellectual exercise but for me it has been a living hell.

"Well, you are right on at least one detail. This place is not real."

Do you mean that the real world still exists somewhere else?

"I saw it a while ago which makes me fairly certain of the fact that it still does."

What about Haruhi and Nagato, are they ... ?

"They are fine, as is everybody else. The events that you experienced are constrained to this reality, without direct consequences to the real world. I believe that if you want you can actually call Nagato right now."

Koizumi picked a cell phone from his pocket and offered it to me.

No thanks, after everything that I've experienced the probative value of a mere phone call is so small that I'd need a microscope to see it! So, this is after all just a dream?

"One could say so, yes. It is certainly one way to put it. Do you have any idea what time it is in the real world?"

You got me there. If everything was just one illusion after another then something like a week might have passed since the field trip, give or take a day.

"I can tell you that right now the actual time is half past five on Monday morning, the second day after the trip."

Well, I guess that it wouldn't be impossible. Anyway, are you saying that in a short while my alarm clock will go off and I'll wake up to a normal world where everything is the way I remember it?

"Unfortunately, it is more complicated than that. I am not sure how to explain it in terms that you will actually understand and accept."

Koizumi paused and sighed. What was that? Did I have to do even more work just to wake up?

"Let me put it this way. In this whole story there are only two persons from the real world and everybody else is a part of this reality, or in other words a figment of imagination that will vanish when the dream ends. Understanding this is the key to the entire mystery. Would you be able to say who are the real ones?"

Why do you have to resort to using riddles instead of just spitting it out?

I considered everybody whom I had met in those nightmares but none of them seemed to fit the description. Sasaki and Tsuruya might have been quite close to their real personalities but even they were different enough that I could see it now. I was just about to give up when I realized that there was one person that I had forgotten.

Well, I'm not claiming that it brings me any particular joy to say this but you look pretty genuine to me.

"Excellent! That is a correct answer. I am indeed a real person and I am glad that you could come to that conclusion because it greatly helps my task of explaining the issue to you."

That's it? I can wake up now?

"Not so fast. You have found a key but it is not enough on its own. One must also use the key to unlock the door before walking through."

I don't see where you are going with this.

"Very well, I will make it easier for you. What about Suzumiya-san?"

What what about Haruhi? Didn't I just tell you that despite some superficial similarities the Haruhi whom I met was quite unlike the real one?

"Is that really so?"

Don't even try to claim otherwise. We both know Haruhi well enough to see the difference. Aren't you the self-confessed expert on her mental state?

"I don't have a private line to Suzumiya-san's mind if you mean that. However, I am rather knowledgeable on the issue of people presenting a particular aspect of themselves to each other. As we both know, this smiling and agreeable me that you can see is just a mask that I am wearing daily because it is essential for my duties as a member of the Organization and of the SOS brigade. It may be less obvious in some other cases but each and every person actually does the same. It is only during the most intimate moments of absolute trust when people willingly remove their masks and reveal their inner self to each other, and even then some people are unable to do so because they are too afraid of getting hurt if they don't carry a mask to deflect potential threats."

Wonderful. A lecture in psychology is exactly what I've been missing all along. What's the point, anyway?

"What I am trying to say is that the way people appear and the way they truly are can be two very different things, to the extent that it may look unlikely that it is the same person we are talking about. Can you accept that idea?"

So, you are claiming that the real Haruhi and the Haruhi in my dream could be the same person, just seen in a different light? That's really stretching it, and what about it even if it was true?

"You are remarkably resilient to certain facts that you don't want to acknowledge for whatever reason. Might that be a part of _your_ mask?"

I don't know anything about your so called "facts". Let me ask you again, what is it that you're insinuating?

"Do you remember the discussion that we had at school on Thursday, the day when clubs were showcasing their activity and recruiting new members?"

Now that you mention it I do remember that it was almost as long-winded as it was pointless. What about it?

"I would like to disagree on the issue of pointlessness because it appears to me that the topic of that conversation is extremely pertinent to this case. I told you how the frequency of closed spaces has risen to a level that is comparable to the situation from one year ago because Suzumiya-san and Sasaki-san met each other."

You keep talking but the topic isn't getting any more relevant.

"May I remind you of the specific time when that happened. We were gathered at the usual SOS meeting point. You arrived late which was to be expected, and in the company of an unfamiliar girl which was very much not expected. Can you imagine what went through Suzumiya-san's mind when she demanded an explanation and Sasaki-san cheerfully introduced herself as a really close friend of yours?"

We've discussed this already. So, that's what happened and Haruhi didn't like it but there isn't much that can be done about it.

"Now, if we were talking about a normal person here, it would not be unreasonable to suggest that their subconsciousness would try to process a disturbing issue in some way. Say, if you suddenly found out that Asahina-san had a very close male friend that you had not heard about before, would it be too improbable a suggestion that you might then have a nightmare where you saw Asahina-san and her friend walking hand in hand on the street and she would introduce him to you as her boyfriend?"

Asahina-san wouldn't have any such friends ... but I concede on the principle, it doesn't sound too far-fetched.

"Anyway, because we both know that Suzumiya-san is not a normal person, that is not what happened. Instead, the scene got staged for real and thus Suzumiya-san found you two at your home, with Sasaki-san saying exactly what she had been fearing."

That ... actually makes sense, in a freaky way. What about the other dreams?

"If we take jealousy as the common factor then it appears to me that each of the various scenarios put you into a relationship with a person Suzumiya-san has at some point been jealous of. Sasaki-san is self-evident as the initial trigger for the whole sequence. Then, I will hardly have to remind you of the time when Suzumiya-san's jealousy of Asahina-san almost caused the entire world to be recreated. You made her jealous of Yoshimura-san with that literature club assignment of yours, and of Nagato-san with that ill-advised love letter."

I don't think that Haruhi has ever been jealous of Tsuruya.

"Who can know for sure? But no, I don't think so either. That may have been the turning point of the entire play if Suzumiya-san found a person she couldn't possibly be jealous of, to the extent that even her subconsciousness accepted that on an emotional level. Which then led directly to the most crucial phase of them all."

What was so crucial about that last dream?

"Think about it. In the end the thing that made her get over the jealousy was simply an assurance of the fact that you were there for her when needed. Furthermore, do you remember what I just said about masks? It appears to me that you got to see the true self of Suzumiya-san without any pretense or deception. I must say that I feel envious of you."

There's nothing to be envious of. Didn't I already tell that this has been the worst experience of my entire life?

So, it wasn't enough that Haruhi was making me do pointless things during the daytime, now she had to mess with my dreams, too? Even if it wasn't a conscious effort, it still went a bit too far!

"You must not accuse Suzumiya-san of what her subconsciousness does! It is a primal thing, the nest of our deepest fears and desires. The conscious mind can only restrain it but cannot make it do the bidding of the mind. Most of us can live through our lives content with the knowledge that our subconsciousness is being kept safely sealed away but that is not the case with Suzumiya-san. She might even have started to suspect something herself. This is a great tragedy and I am terrified of the possibility of her finding out the truth. How could a mind not break down under such a burden?"

Well, I was not abducted by that other alien faction then?

"No. They may be plotting something against us in the background but you can be assured that they are not involved in this incident in any way. I am quite confident when I say that these are the kind of nightmares with which Suzumiya-san has been torturing herself since the beginning of the new school year."

I get the jealousy angle but even then, why would she do something like that?

"You are still pretending that you don't know?"

How could I know what goes around in her intractable mind? I could as well try to predict next week's lottery numbers as guess why Haruhi does what she does.

"Because she loves you, you clueless simpleton! Do I have to tattoo it to your forehead before you get it?"

Oh my. I didn't know that I had it in me to make Koizumi lose his cool. He paused, took a deep breath and rubbed his temple before continuing.

"Please forgive me. That was out of character. I have been growing increasingly exhausted since the beginning of the school year and this latest incident is taking its toll as well ... especially this latest incident."

Look who's speaking. You're not the one who's gone through hell recently. But if the real Haruhi was involved, didn't she just learn several things that we have been trying to keep secret from her? Don't tell me that she'll hold me responsible for all these misadventures when we see each other in the morning!

"Don't worry, it is called _sub_consciousness for a reason. At most, she might retrieve some general feeling or the odd unconnected detail, not unlike a normal dream. And even then ... there is something else that will keep you clear of any confrontations."

The tone in which Koizumi said the last sentence was surprisingly grim. At that point something that he had mentioned a while ago caught my attention.

Wait a second, something doesn't add up. You said that there are two real people involved but if Haruhi was real, too, then there are three of us.

"Well, that is the complicated part. Let me ask you, how often do I visit you in your dreams?"

Never. I've got better things to do than dream of you!

"I suspected as much. As you know, my powers are of a very special kind."

What is it that you are trying to say?

"If I am real as you admit, and currently in an unreal world as we also know, then it directly follows from the limits of my powers that the world in question is created by a certain person. You know the name of those dreams and what kind of creatures are found in them."

That can't be ...

"I am sorry."

...

Could it be? I _feel_ real and that's the most fundamental thing there is. Wasn't it some philosophical statement that you must necessarily exist if you can think about existing?

"Indeed, you do exist here, in this dimension. Your memories were copied from the real Kyon when this world was created. Based on what you told me, it was probably on Saturday. This has been an anomalous incident, randomly flickering in and out of existence. It might even be the case that you were destroyed and recreated between each episode until the closed space finally stabilized in this particular form. That is why it took us until now to locate and engage it. I can assure you that the real Kyon is currently sleeping soundly in his own bed and doesn't know anything about this whole ordeal."

Well, it could be, couldn't it? I had seen it too many times already, all those alternate persons who faded into the night with their fears and desires while I moved on, but this time the tables were turned and it was me standing on the platform, looking at the rapidly receding train that didn't have a place for me. I couldn't say that I liked the fact but there seemed to be some deep symmetry in it.

Sucks to be me then, huh?

"You are taking this in a remarkably composed fashion. By any chance, do you feel an urge to start smashing buildings?"

Actually, I don't. I'm not even sure how I could manage to do that, and I'm beyond anger, anyway. This is so like Haruhi. Even her jealousy becomes a tragedy of cosmic proportions where the rest of us are her unwitting pawns.

"I find it a charming thought that you spent your time with Suzumiya-san by trying to accommodate her wishes on your own volition since you believed that she was about to disappear, while unbeknownst to you she tried to do the same for you. At least in this case, it doesn't look like all love is unrequited."

I resent that remark.

"But certainly, you told me as much! Let me ask you, was it not the only thing that prevented you from taking advantage of so many perfect opportunities in other realities?"

There's a gaping hole in your logic since I didn't try to use my last opportunity either.

"Which only goes to show that you are a true gentleman, just as I thought."

I'm not interested in talking about this topic, at least not with you. You make for a lousy _shinigami_. I never liked that phony smile of yours, and it irritates me to think that it'll be the last thing that I ever see.

"I ask for forgiveness. You are not making this easy for me. And yet, we both know what must be done to prevent the destabilization of the real world by this temporary one, and there is only one way to do it. This is possibly the hardest thing I have ever been forced to do, and it became even harder after I had heard your story."

As if it was easy for me to just kneel down and bare my neck for the final strike! Maybe you should contemplate the possibility that I'll come back to haunt you in your own dreams?

However, as soon as I said that I knew that it was an empty boast. Didn't I, well, a whole crowd of me, vanish into nothingness during the last summer break, and none of them came back to demand justice for their untimely demise?

"It is exactly as you say. If unique memories are what makes us individuals, then the entire population of the world died over fifteen thousand times, and yet we continue to exist. If anything, it fills me with deep humility to be in the presence of such an incomprehensible power. Who knows, maybe we all are mere memories in the dream of a sleeping deity, and once that deity wakes up everything will be remembered again and finally brought together in harmony. I would like to believe that it is a comforting thought. Also, who am I to say what is real and what is not, surely such a being could defy all logic and reason while creating new worlds to dream of. The question thus remains, why would a deity want to have dreams like this?"

Well, you lost me there. I can't see any benefits in thinking about such far-fetched things.

"I am also deeply impressed by you. Has it not been said that the true nature of an individual is only revealed in the greatest adversity? As it would be, this whole ordeal paints you in a most positive light because it was precisely your compassion for other people that made you suffer as you shared their burden. Therefore it is a great honor that I can call you my friend. I will certainly treat everything that you say with even greater respect in the future."

Kissing ass to the very last moment, eh?

Koizumi seemed to hesitate for a while before continuing.

"You told me that Suzumiya-san talked about a surprise and based on your other remarks I have come to the understanding that you are intentionally withholding some information. Considering the current situation, would you be able to tell me more about it?"

No, I don't think so.

"Surely you must understand that if there is some essential piece of information that affects the brigade then the only way to put it to use is to relay it through me."

I bet that you'd love to be the messenger of good news but no, I don't have anything to add to my story. It might even be the case that I don't know any such things but at the moment I'm actually deriving a minor amount of pleasure from the fact that my memories disappear with me.

"Very well. In that case, please let me express my deepest regrets that it had to come to this."

Koizumi paused and bowed. That was a cue. If I had any parting words, the time to say them was now. But I had said everything there is to say, at least concerning the present audience, and I most certainly didn't feel like reciting some poetry. Asking Koizumi to give my regards to my friends and family, or indeed to the real me, wouldn't have made any sense because I didn't even exist to them.

A collection of memories? That was what everything that I called "me" was all about? In that case, the real me would be happier without these particular memories anyway. Indeed, I couldn't find any redeemable quality in them so it didn't matter if I took them with me into the oblivion. They were just as fake as this paper-thin reality that was deceiving my senses. In the end there never was a real world to begin with, it was all a dream on top of a dream for me.

Well, that was it then, wasn't it? I was as ready to face my fate as I would ever be since death didn't hold any mysteries for me. To think that it took me all the way until the final moment of the play to learn what was my part in the script so that I could act accordingly! I took a deep breath and bowed, closing my eyes. The silence was deafening.

Random images were crossing through my mind, of places and people. I tried to remember _her_ face but everything was fading into darkness. Too fast. Forgive me.

Then, suddenly, there was a smell of fresh soil and cut grass of an early morning in spring and with that she was there in a long red dress, standing under a tree with sunlight dancing in her hair like an angel's halo. She turned around and smiled to me in a cloud of falling white petals, as beautiful as she had ever been. An expression between happiness and melancholy, finally in balance. I couldn't hear any sound but there was no mistaking the words forming on her lips.

"Thank you for everything ..."

It was done. There was a flash of red light bright enough to shine through my closed eyelids, and I finally knew it without a shadow of doubt.

This was the end.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

While the story has technically ended after the narrator made his exit from the stage there is a clear and present danger of coming up with a wrong interpretation based on what has been revealed so far and therefore I have taken the liberty to prepare a special omake for your perusal. I implore you to stay on your seat and continue directly to the next chapter for the final twist! I apologize for this drastic turn of events.


	8. Omake

Afterimages of the glowing red veins that had torn apart the closed space gradually faded away and Koizumi found himself standing in the middle of a park. He looked up and down, then around himself. It was still dark but a pale streak on the Eastern horizon suggested that a new dawn was slowly making its approach. He snorted before starting to speak to a seemingly invisible audience.

"I must say that incongruent closed space makes me feel uncomfortable. Considering the path that I took while inside, I thought that I might find myself thirty meters up in the air after the dimension collapsed. It should probably be counted as a minor relief that I returned directly to the original point of entry. Would you perchance have caught me from the fall if I didn't?"

Koizumi couldn't hear any reply to these words but continued anyway.

"I assume that the transdimensional data connection that you hooked up to my phone worked and you got what you wanted?"

There was some movement in the shadows beyond the lit path.

"Yes. Thirty-eight seconds, a complete record."

"Thirty-eight seconds for the entire encounter from your perspective? So, the closed space had an incongruent flow of time as well. That explains why it was so hard to locate it without your help. A favor for a favor makes us even at this point, am I right? On behalf of the Organization, I would like to express my appreciation for the assistance."

Nagato stepped into the light.

"The deal was not between our respective factions. This exchange of information was under my own jurisdiction and you have indicated that you are likewise staying within the bounds of acceptable modes of individual operation."

Koizumi examined the emotionless face of the alien interface.

"You are doing this out of a personal interest? That is actually a rather unique statement and makes me wonder exactly how long you had been aware of this incident and why you didn't try to interfere in any way. Am I wrong if I suspect that it was not under your jurisdiction?"

"My knowledge of human emotions is incomplete. Interaction without sufficient understanding may cause an unwanted divergence to emerge. This suggests that observing is the preferred course of action."

She kept her gaze fixed at Koizumi, unblinking, until continuing on her own initiative.

"Related to the recorded interaction, requesting an additional point of data for the calibration of the readings."

"Now what could that be?"

"Are you feeling jealous?"

Koizumi made an unconvincing attempt at frowning.

"_You_ want to know whether I'm feeling jealous? This night just doesn't seem to run out of surprises. Anyway, even if I answered, how can you give my words any value at all? If you actually have to ask me then for all you know I might be intentionally lying about it, and that would only taint the interpretation."

"Is there a reason to lie?"

"In relation to such a question? I must assume that your understanding of emotions is indeed incomplete. I have a hard time trying to find a reason to _not_ lie."

Nagato considered the statement for a moment.

"Request modified. Describe in your own words your current mental state to the extent that it is affected by the interaction."

Koizumi closed his eyes and sighed.

"Very well, I assume that this much can be added to the scales while still keeping them balanced. I feel frustrated by the fact that I can't know for sure what happened. Could it be that he is faking ignorance just to have fun at my expense or is it _really_ possible that he doesn't know on any level what he is, even on a subconscious one? And in the end, which of the two actually did it this time? Or did they perhaps conspire to do it together, in which case I would very much prefer if they could spend some quality time together during the day like a normal couple instead of doing something this ... circumspect, and drawing me into it as well. But most of all I feel tired, tired of having to keep up this whole masquerade, tired of my assigned role in the play, and tired of the eternal uncertainty. Take that for whatever it is worth."

"Uncertainty is inevitable. Not all true statements can be proven from within an axiomatic system."

"I know, Goedel demonstrated that almost a hundred years ago. Although, if I may give my personal opinion here, it would have been preferable if he had also told exactly _which_ statements are like that. I suspect that your kind might know better?"

Nagato was silent for a short while before answering.

"Oblivion is an inherently untrue concept in this reality."

"Should that be interpreted in the real sense or as in Platonic idealism?"

"The difference is inconsequential. Once data have been created, they stay created and can always be recalled given the proper access point."

Hearing this reply Koizumi raised his eyebrows and looked at Nagato more closely.

"That is a very significant piece of information. Why are you divulging something like that to me now?"

"A favor for a favor. Large changes are about to happen. I cannot guarantee my continued existence in any of the relevant timelines."

"I thought that you can see to the future?"

"I have chosen not to look."

"Is that so? In that case, we will see each other later today at school as usual, I presume?"

"Yes."

Nagato turned around and walked away without further notice. Koizumi watched the receding figure until it disappeared into the shadows, then sighed one more time as a dark sedan parked nearby. He would have just enough time to go home and take a shower before starting a new day as the brigade vice commander. He took his cell phone from a pocket and tossed it a couple of times reflectively from hand to hand before throwing it into a trash bin.

Koizumi stepped into the car and greeted Arakawa.

"Do you know what I like the most in these nightly assignments? It is dark enough that nobody can see when I am not smiling."

The driver was polite enough to remain silent as the car rolled away.

* * *

I woke up.

As always, I didn't need an alarm clock to tell me that a new day was about to begin but this morning I was feeling unusually tired and depressed. It had been a busy evening and then I hadn't slept well. There had been some horrible nightmare. I couldn't remember any details but it was something so sad that at one point I had felt like crying.

What was it? Something related to a certain person ...

I opened the drawer of my nightstand and took out an old book. There, between the pages was a photo that I had had ever since it was taken almost a year ago, during a ferry trip to that isolated island. I sighed as I watched the carefree sleeping face of that insufferable, _irresistible_ idiot who had given me so much even if he didn't realize it himself.

After everything that I've done to make our lives more interesting you're still acting as if you didn't care, or worse, as if I was the source of all your troubles. A veritable stick in the mud, always complaining, always resisting my every initiative as if it was some kind of a sport. Is it that you don't like my ideas or just that you don't like _me_? Can't you see that I'm trying to help you reach your full potential? Don't you have any ambition at all? Even a tadpole dreams of becoming a toad, are you really content with something less? How can you waste your life like that?

What _is_ it that you want? I don't understand you!

...

There was something in here.

I could sense the presence of a wayward thought floating somewhere in the vicinity. I put the book and the photo carefully back to the drawer, closed my eyes and relaxed. As soon as the thought fluttered nearby, I reached out and grabbed it by the wing.

It was a small and simple thought, hardly even worth looking at and I couldn't understand what it was doing here. _A math quiz on Tuesday_? Why did this boring, insignificant detail have such a baleful aura to it? I was absolutely certain that I wouldn't have any trouble with it ...

... right, I saw the connection now, a thin silvery line floating in the air like spider's silk. There was somebody who would. And one event can lead to another ...

I opened my eyes and smiled to myself. It didn't have to go that way.

It was decided then, no matter how much he tried to shirk his duties I would make him study enough to pass the quiz. After all, it was my responsibility as the leader of the SOS brigade to make sure that nobody was left behind, not even somebody so hopelessly lazy as Kyon. What would I have to do to motivate him, draw a graph that shows how bad his performance really is?

I changed clothes and went to the kitchen to hunt some breakfast. Despite the gloomy night I had an uncanny intuition that this day would bring along some pleasant surprise. I was feeling better already!

* * *

For a fleeting moment during the breakfast Kyon felt a craving for takoyaki but he didn't pay any attention to it and the feeling passed. Weird impulses are like cats, they come and go as they want. Who knows why and even more importantly, who cares?

**End of The Shadow of Haruhi Suzumiya**

* * *

**Author's Notes**

So, now you know why Haruhi was suddenly so interested in Kyon's grades on Monday ... and beyond that there's also a little bonus to be found if you look closely enough. Because canon ensues, we are truly and inevitably done with this story. Once again, thank you very much for coming along for the journey and I sincerely hope that it was not an unpleasant one. On the whole, this was probably the most emotionally draining piece I have ever written. If the story has upset somebody then I would like to express my sincere regrets. Any perceived harm was not intentional and I hope to be able to come up with lighter stories in the future. Very special thanks go to everybody who has provided feedback during the writing process, I couldn't possibly have reached this point without you!

Concerning deconstruction as a concept, some people take it to be just poking at things until they break down but it is more complicated than that. A proper deconstruction is a precise exercise where an aspect of the original work is examined against the established rules. If the original work uses willing suspension of disbelief to ignore some consequences of those rules it is the duty of the deconstruction to point that out. An even better option is to follow that with a reconstruction that modifies the original material to achieve the initial effect while also acknowledging the unintended consequences.

Beyond a study on relationships and character growth through the DABDA model this story is a deconstruction and a reconstruction of a particular fridge horror from the original series, that of alternate persons being separate individuals in their own right. After watching _Disappearance_ for the first time I couldn't stop crying until I got a headache and I then realized that the thing that got under my skin was the fate of the alternate Yuki, an admirable soul whose modest aspirations were crushed with extreme prejudice and who was discarded like a piece of garbage. That event was the specific trigger behind this whole project. The thing is, in the Haruhi universe separate versions and clones of persons are created on several occasions, and the existence of those versions is then terminated without a second thought. This may look like a minor bookkeeping annoyance from the external point of view but it equals the end of the world, or death, from the subjective point of view of the person in question. The moral and philosophical implications of this discrepancy are the main focus of this piece of fan fiction, and I personally believe to have found an acceptable answer.

I'm still struggling with the portrayal of Kyon. Every other mask in the series feels easier to wear but I have to consciously dumb down Kyon's part in the editing phase and it still doesn't seem to go all they way. I apologize for my lack of talent if it breaks the immersion. Some characters in this particular story were also hard to get into because there isn't enough material on them in the books, so I had to take some creative liberties.

I am also struggling with English since it is not my native language. It feels like trying to draw while blindfolded. Words and grammar are something that can be checked from the books but I am most likely oblivious to any finer points of style and will gladly accept criticism on my use of language. Nothing spoils the mood like a poorly chosen word or phrase.

Since this is a mystery story that relies heavily on an unexpected resolution please try to avoid giving out spoilers if you decide to review the story, as potential readers may want to check the reviews before committing themselves to reading a lengthy story.

Respectfully,

_sars_

**Vocabulary**

_gaki_ Hungry ghost. A restless soul whose jealousy while still living cause it to have eternal, insatiable thirst and hunger.  
_geta_ Wooden sandals.  
_haiku_ A short poem with a rigid structure, usually in 5-7-5 syllable format and containing a season reference and a 'cutting' word.  
_kakiemon_ High quality enameled porcelain made from the mid-17th century onward in Arita, Saga prefecture.  
_omake_ Literally 'extra' or 'bonus', often a short feature of more lighthearted material at the end of an episode.  
_oneechan_ A combination of honorifics with the meaning 'dear (big) sister', typically used by a child.  
_oni_ A demon in Japanese folklore, with certain idiosyncratic characteristics.  
_origami_ The art of paper folding.  
_sempai_ A honorific used to address a superior member of your own social group.  
_sensei_ Teacher.  
_shamisen_ Japanese fretless banjo, the skin of which is traditionally made of cat skin.  
_shinigami_ God of death, Japanese equivalent of the Grim Reaper.  
_shogun_ Supreme military commanders ruling Japan from the 12th century until the Meiji restoration in 1867.  
_takoyaki_ Fried octopus, a Japanese snack.  
_yourei_ A general name for ghosts in Japanese folklore.


End file.
